Murphy Brown’s Got Dan All Fired Up Again

Dear Future Voter of America:

Hi from your old pal, Dan Quayl. Ha-ha. Just my little joke. I now know that not all nouns end in e, but my name happens to. It’s Quayle, Dan Quayle, and that’s just what those Democrats are going to be doing in the year 2000: quailing. As American folk poet Bob Dylan once put it: “Come on without, come on within, you’ve not seen nothin’ like the mighty . . . Quayle!” I changed the lyrics slightly to fit, but I just wanted to show those ex-hippies currently squatting in the White House that they don’t have a monopoly on folk poetry.

But, dear friend, that’s not why I wanted to get your attention today. This is not about electioneering. Or even fund-raising, though if you want to slip something in an envelope and send it on to Campaign America, that’s OK by me, as long as you’re a bona fide American citizen and don’t represent any of those Asian foreign powers.

(And if the amount is substantial enough, ol’ Dan might even fall by the golf course in your hometown to tee up with you and your buddies--just as long as people of varying religious and racial persuasions are allowed in the clubhouse other than as waiters. Ol’ Dan wouldn’t want to make that same mistake twice--that’s a definitive no-no.)

Today I must once more issue a clarion call to arms against the most insidious enemy facing our nation in the last 400 years of its history. I’m referring, of course, to Murphy Brown. Not content with corrupting the morals of impressionable young women and adding to the roll call of welfare mothers by bearing a child out of unholy wedlock, she now has added criminal activity to her list of crimes.

She was seen on national TV smoking marijuana, which to the best of my knowledge is still a felony even in the so-called liberal state of California, a place, incidentally, which I love--I practically grew up in Phoenix. In my self-appointed role as the lap dog of democracy, I was the first to blow the whistle on Murphy Brown’s shenanigans way back when her show was popular. There were naysayers and communists who scoffed then, but now they’re scoffing out of the other side of their mouths.

Let them scoff, I say. What we have here is clear-cut evidence that illegitimacy--something I’ve always said we should talk about in terms of not having it--leads to drug abuse and possibly even to breast cancer. My position on breast cancer is this: First of all, I’m against it, and B, speaking as a man, it’s not a women’s issue. People make it out to be a women’s issue, but frankly, us men are tired of losing our women. I know I lose Marilyn all the time whenever there’s a sale at Sears. That’s another little joke.

Personally, I believe in humor. Where would we be without it? Back in the Dark Ages a couple of centuries ago is my bet. But that’s no excuse for some of these TV programs that classify themselves as comedies, only they’re not. If that potty-mouth Fran Drescher was my kids’ nanny, she’d have her mouth washed out with soap instead of the kids. But it all starts with the White House--from what I hear, the talk there is so dirty, they should rename it the Blue House. (See what I mean about humor?)

A president needs to set a good example. When George Bush was in the White House, you never heard about any of his mistresses. I did my best to be Robin to his Batman, and we didn’t go around in outfits that showed our nipples, either. When I was vice president, one word summed up my responsibility, and that one word was “to be prepared.” I was ready for any unforeseen event that might or might not occur.

Now apparently the watchword that Al Gore goes by is “endorse lesbian TV shows.” He has come out in favor of that show, which in my family we have another name for, and that’s “Hell-en,” because, sad to say, that’s just where that young lady and those she drags down with her into a pit of depravity are headed in a handbasket. Marilyn also likes to call the Democrats “the Demoncrats” for obvious reasons. Humor again.

When will the entertainment elite out there in Hollywood learn that in the real America, where I live, we don’t enjoy seeing these kinds of things portrayed on television and in the moving pictures? “In and Out”--that describes exactly what I did as soon as I entered the theater where it was showing. I was in and out. If people want to see that type of depravity, let them go to Europe.

There’s only one character on TV with whom I personally can identify with. He happens to live in New York City, a place I have visited, and he’s also a politician. It’s the mayor on “Spin City.” He has an open invitation to visit me and Marilyn and the kids in Indianapolis any time. I really think we have a whole lot in common, and I’m not ashamed to say so!

Yours for a better tomorrowe,

J. Danforth “Dan” Quayle