Under One Roof
hen Jean Clark of Inglewood received her degree in recreation administration in 1993, she thought she had it made financially.
But two years later--after having lived on her own since she was 20--the 25-year-old recreation specialist for the city of Hermosa Beach moved back in with her parents.
“My mom pointed out that I wasn’t saving any money. I had no insurance, no IRA,” Clark said. “She suggested I move back home to give myself a chance to get on my feet financially.”
Has the move home been worth it?
“Absolutely,” Clark said. “It’s enabled me to get better car insurance, save for a better car and start an IRA. And instead of paying rent and renter’s insurance, I’m saving for a down payment on a house or condo.”
Now two years older and wiser, Clark has some suggestions for others contemplating such a living arrangement. “Communication, scheduling and having some space to call your own are the biggies,” she said.
Redondo Beach resident Cathleen Kiritz couldn’t agree more.
When Kiritz and her husband, Norton, invited Norton’s then-80-year-old mother, Lil, to move in with them and their infant son, they all knew there would be challenges ahead.
“The thing we did right--and it has affected all the other decisions we’ve made--was that we sat down ahead of time, away from the house, and worked out all the details,” says Kiritz, 46, a former real estate broker who now teaches a South Bay Adult School class called “When Mom or Dad Moves In.”
Whether you’re planning to move in with a relative or you’re making room in your own home for a family member, here are some things to consider:
* Schedule family meetings. Although you’ll want to schedule regular weekly or monthly meetings after the person moves in, the first meeting is the most important. Here you’ll discuss space and privacy issues; bathroom schedules; house rules regarding noise, visitors and telephone privileges and all the other little things that can make or break the deal.
Scheduling that first meeting in a spot away from home, such as in a restaurant, can provide some neutral ground and make everyone feel more comfortable, Kiritz suggested. “And put everything on paper so the agreement is nice and clean,” she added. “Memory can be a funny thing, and you don’t want to invite misunderstandings later.”
During this first meeting, it’s important to set the tone for the new family relationship, said Paul N. Barkopoulos, a private-practice psychiatrist at Cedars Sinai Medical Center and an assistant clinical professor at UCLA.
“From here on out, everyone must understand that even though the arrangement involves parents and children living under one roof, there really are no ‘parents’ or ‘children’ in this new setup,” he said. “Everyone is an adult and should be treated as such.”
Establishing goals is important, too, Barkopoulos added. Is this a temporary arrangement until someone finds a job or reaches a certain level of financial stability? Is someone moving in just until a nursing home situation can be arranged? At what specific point is the person expected to move out? If the situation is open-ended, or expected to be permanent that should be stated, too.
* Discuss finances up front. Tackle financial issues head-on at that first meeting, said both Kiritz and Clark. Will the newcomer contribute financially? Do chores in lieu of paying rent? Buy his own food? Pay a share of the phone bill and utilities?
These things become sticky issues only if they’re not discussed in advance.
“I don’t pay anything toward the running of the house, because my parents want me to be able to save as much as possible,” said Clark. But she contributes in other ways by cleaning the house, helping her grandmother, who lives nearby, even dog-sitting when her parents want to go out of town. The important thing is that both sides feel the arrangement is reciprocal.
* Consider taxes and insurance. Both parties should consult their tax advisors regarding tax implications resulting from the live-in situation. Also, make sure your homeowner’s insurance and liability coverage will extend to cover the live-in person and his or her belongings.
Also, if the home or condo is part of a homeowner’s association, check the association’s list of rules and regulations. Most associations have limitations on the number of people who can live in a home and on the number of cars allowed per family.
* Create--and respect--personal space. Although Kiritz and her family are fortunate enough to live in a large home, they didn’t take the need for personal space and privacy--both his mother’s and theirs--for granted.
“If the physical plan isn’t set up right from the start, you’re always going to be groping,” Kiritz said.
Before her mother-in-law moved it, Kiritz and her husband did some minor remodeling on a bedroom-bath-den area to create a street-level main living area complete with a small Pullman kitchen. They then added a microwave, mini-refrigerator and toaster. This set-up provides easy access for Lil Kiritz and more privacy upstairs for the rest of the family.
While privacy for the person moving in is important, it’s equally important that the homeowners don’t feel they’ve lost their privacy forever. “It’s really true that good fences make good neighbors,” Kiritz said. “For example, our bedroom is private. Everyone needs one room where they can go and know they’ll have some time alone.”
Also, by setting up separate kitchen space, every member of the family doesn’t have to eat every meal together.
“Things are hectic here in the morning,” said Kiritz. “Alex, our son, is 5 years old now, and I’m busy getting him off to school. So Lil and I have our breakfast in separate places. Then, later in the morning when things calm down, we’re happy to see each other.”
Another nice touch is to add some private space outside, like a patio, suggested Glynda Moore, an interior designer in Torrance. “It’s also nice for the live-in person to have his own spot in the yard to plant some flowers or to relax in a reading chair,” she added. A separate section of the garage or a special hobby area might also be appreciated.
* Establish house rules. Who cooks? Who cleans up? What about overnight guests--especially those of the opposite sex? What about alcohol? Smoking? It’s important to agree on such issues ahead of time.
Also, establishing rules such as “Don’t read anyone else’s mail” can go a long way toward keeping the peace.
One important rule, according to Clark: “Always let someone know where you’re going and when you expect to be back. That’s not about control; it’s about common courtesy and personal safety. If I’m due home at midnight and I’m not there at 4 a.m., I want my parents to call the police!”
Pets are another possible sticking point. Is Fluffy welcome? Does she have the run of the house or will she stay in the live-in person’s private space? Does anyone in the family have allergies?
Even the seemingly benign issue of food can be a potential hot potato, according to Barkopoulos.
“Discussing who pays for what and how the refrigerator is going to be handled is important,” he said. “What food is your food and what food is mine?” In other words, if there’s half a chocolate cake in the fridge, is it up for grabs?
Also, if minor children are in the picture, be sure to instruct them on the new house rules regarding privacy. Rules such as “No entering Grandpa’s room without permission” and “No loud music after 10 p.m.” can help save everyone’s sanity.
* Post a schedule. From sharing a shower to keeping the kids’ video night with friends from colliding with Grandpa’s poker night, scheduling is crucial.
“We eat at different times,” said Clark, who shares the kitchen with her parents. “If we’re all in the kitchen together too much, we get on each other’s nerves.”
The bathroom schedule is carved in stone at the Clark’s 1 1/2-bath house: “If I miss my time for the shower--too bad!” laughed Clark. “I just have to go to work dirty.”
* Add some thoughtful touches. “We bought all new kitchen towels and pot holders for Lil’s kitchen area, and it really made it look fresh and new,” Kiritz said. “Repainting and adding new bed linens and window coverings are relatively inexpensive ways to make the space more inviting,” Moore added. “And always consider the other person’s favorite colors. After all, you’re decorating the space for their taste, not your own.”
Consider adding a separate phone line for the new person,” suggested the Rev. Mike Bayer, pastor of Leisure World Christian Assembly in Laguna Hills. And if the live-in person is a bit hard of hearing, you may want to add a telephone voice amplifier. Bayer, who specializes in working with seniors, also suggests adding a family bulletin board or wipe-off board for messages and to help with scheduling.
And there’s no way around it: Families make noise. And families with toddlers or teenagers make a lot of noise. Try adding acoustical wall tiles and draperies to help keep decibel levels down.
* Think safety. If an older family member is moving in, consider adding carpet to help prevent falls and adding grab bars in the shower. If you plan ahead and have everything installed before moving day, your family member will feel less like a burden than if you add these things later, after he or she has moved in, Kiritz suggested.
Electrical cord organizers, which help contain extension cords and keep them off the floor, are another way to help avoid falls and to keep a small space from looking cluttered. And don’t forget good lighting, both inside the living area and at the front door. Instead of adding extension cords and table lamps, consider track lighting. You’ll also want to add smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors to the new living space.
Air conditioning and heating can present a problem, especially for older family members who may have different temperature needs or tolerances than the rest of the family. You may want to talk with a heating and air conditioning professional about adding a thermostat to the new quarters.
* Scale down furniture. When it comes to buying new furniture, think small: consider a love seat instead of a full-length sofa. And although it’s tough to ask your son to leave his surfboard collection in storage or to ask an elderly parent to part temporarily with a house full of furniture, it’s important to add just the furniture that will work in a small space.
Just make sure Grandma doesn’t sell her overstuffed couch and that antique hutch, experts advise. There are always storage options. And who knows? Grandma may eventually move back into her own home and she’ll want to have her furniture.
* Don’t forget to laugh. “You can drive yourself nuts in this situation or you can step back and laugh and keep your perspective,” said Kiritz, who was dealing with an ant invasion and an antsy, out-of-school-for-the-summer 5-year-old the day she was interviewed for this story.
“Sometimes you have to look at the whole situation as your own private sitcom,” she laughed. “Hey some days it feels like we’re the Waltons. On other days, we’re the Addams Family!”
Instead of looking ahead with anxiety, celebrate the new arrangement, suggested Bayer. “Plan a monthly party that includes the whole family,” he added. “Make it something to look forward to.”
* Consider a trial run. Even under the best of circumstances, our experts recommend setting a time period--six months, one year, whatever feels right--for a trial arrangement. After that time, head back to that restaurant, sit down and talk. What’s working? What isn’t? What can be changed?
At the end of the trial period, it’s important to be honest about whether the arrangement is working. In most cases, only minor adjustments are needed. “But if the person that moved in does need to go, then they go,” said Barkopoulos. “It doesn’t mean you’re a ‘bad child’ or a ‘bad parent’ if it comes to that.”
“The important thing is that we all come to the table with good intentions,” said Kiritz. “That way, even if we decide the situation should change, we can part in a good way, too.”
