Hey, Holy Father, You Need a Make-Over

The Supreme Pontiff needs guidance. He’s trying to appeal to a younger audience.

So recently he asked Bob Dylan, 56, to perform for him at a concert on Sept. 27 in Bologna, Italy. And he himself quoted the lyrics to “Blowing in the Wind.”

I know His Holiness is supposed to be infallible, and I guess when you’re 77, anybody under 60 seems young, but shouldn’t he have asked Jakob Dylan? At least he didn’t try to get Peter, Paul and Mary.

Rumor has it John Paul II actually wanted the Stones, but had second thoughts when his advisors told him that they’d recorded “Sympathy for the Devil.” When it comes to hip, the Dalai Lama is way ahead of him--except for that embarrassing Steven Seagal thing--so the Vatican better hurry to catch up.

My thought is that whoever’s handling the pope’s bookings should start working now on getting him included as part of next summer’s Lilith Fair. He’d be bound to get a lot of ink as the first man in the lineup--and, after all, he does wear a dress. I’d love to see the pope and Joan Osborne sharing the stage for “What if God Was One of Us?” Maybe even Sinead O’Connor and he could be persuaded to exchange conciliatory hugs.

In a further attempt to latch on to what I suspect he still thinks of as the “youth- quake,” the pope’s handlers have been changing his look. The pope, like Johnny Cash, has been wearing pretty much the same thing for the past thousand years. Not any more.

This summer in Paris, in celebration of World Youth Day, the pope tried out his new duds in front of an estimated 1 million people. His new robes featured crosses in “cheerful rainbow motifs.” The attending bishops and priests got new outfits too, also featuring rainbows. Are the ‘60s back, or what?

The pope’s new look was created for him by Paris designer Jean-Charles de Castelbajac, formerly best known for creating clothes with real teddy bears sewn on the front of them. Sad to say, the Holy Father did not sport any teddy bear designs, but then temperatures in Paris in August were over 90 degrees. Maybe Jean-Charles is hoping to get him into the cuddly teddy bear look for winter.

Many people in the fashion world were surprised by the pope’s choice, wondering why, for his first foray into the world of haute couture, he didn’t select a higher-profile French designer, such as Christian Lacroix or Yves Saint Laurent. Obviously he had to rule out Jean Paul Gaultier, since he could hardly share a designer with Madonna. What if they bumped into each other in the fitting room?

Personally, I think the pope’s people went with de Castelbajac because even though the 47-year-old designer is described as living with his “fiancee,” model-actress-whatever Tasha Mota e Cunha-- something the church can hardly sanction--at least there’s strong evidence that he’s hetero. And perhaps the fact that he once designed costumes for “Charlie’s Angels” had something to do with it.

Should John Paul II decide to include L.A. on his next tour, I’m sure there are plenty of designers who would line up for a chance to dress him. Judging by the identical black suits sported by all the talent agents at the last screening I went to, the quintessential L.A. designer might actually be Italian: Giorgio Armani.

I’d recommend something a little hipper--Richard Tyler, maybe. Shoulder pads could help. And, John Paul--a word to the wise--lose those rainbows, unless your only appearance is in Topanga Canyon. Remember, this fall, brown is the new black.

Whatever you do, stay away from Hugo Boss, another favorite of Hollywood trendies. That’s one can of worms you really don’t want to open up. The late German designer was recently revealed to be a former member of the Nazi party who designed those snappy uniforms for Hitler’s SS troopers. And you thought the birth control thing was a problem! Just don’t go there.

Likewise, leather or fur won’t earn you many new friends in eco-friendly circles. And jeans just aren’t you--why push it? But if you’re looking to make a real impact on the hip-hop generation, you might go with Tommy Hilfiger, at least for day wear. His clothing is loose, it’s comfortable, and I’m sure Tommy would be happy to customize it with papal insignia for you.

Seeing the pope in a woolen stocking cap instead of that stiff hat would send a signal to young people everywhere that he understood their lifestyle choices, no matter how ridiculous they might seem to others.

In fact, the Holy See should consider following in Sheryl Crow’s footsteps and set up an endorsement deal with Hilfiger for Popewear. After all, this pope already has a best-selling book and LP. Why not a line of clothing? And maybe a Holy Water brand of cosmetics.

I hear the Spice Girls are planning to bring out their own line of underarm sprays, each scented to match the personality of a different member. Why should the church, never slow to spot a merchandising opportunity in the past, get caught napping? Who wouldn’t rather smell like His Holiness than Sporty Spice? This way, the pope is guaranteed to stay forever young.