A Ruthless Guardian of the Public Purse

Recent congressional hearings may have shed new light on Gestapo IRS tactics, so imagine our surprise to discover that the administrative techniques have been exported to other government agencies.

Consider the case of one former agent, whom we’ll call Ben Larp.

Larp, a longtime IRS agent, had earned a reputation as a ruthless guardian of the U.S. Tax Code. His methods--a sinister meld of intimidation and pinching--made him a much-feared figure among recalcitrant taxpayers.

Even before the recent hearings, Larp stories were legend. A favorite among auditing groupies was Larp’s seizure of one man’s ventilator. “I’ll show you depreciation!” Larp had quipped.

Larp’s assignment to the U.S. Department of Education appears to be a better fit. The department, long plagued by bureaucratic gridlock, needed someone of Larp’s fire and vigilance to monitor the millions misspent in education grants every year.

Only two days into his new job, an outraged Larp read the description of a $4-million grant awarded to the Olbee, Neb., Unified School District--”The Celebration of Diversity and Anger Management Initiative.”

“This five-year program will fund school efforts to manage student anger in a culturally diverse environment. In year No. 1, $1.4 million will be spent locating the missing $1.7 million from last year’s ‘Helpful to Maybe Four Students Technology Grant.’

“Year No. 2 will see the expenditure of $2.2 million. Monies will be used to identify the angriest students and give them an opportunity to go online with other miserable characters from around the world. Students will exchange multicultural tirades with Olbee’s sister school in Marseilles.

“Year No. 3 will be dedicated to advocacy and intervention. These are two of our favorite words, but rarely have we slammed them together. We hope to use these words at $250 per utterance ($300 in the event of mill levy reduction), without exceeding the $1.4 million allotted for the year.

“In year No. 4, we’ll revisit our hostile scholars and monitor their response to our ‘Improve Student Retention!’ collaborative. The collaborative involves no other party, but the word was available and we grabbed it. Ongoing frustrations with ‘Improve Student Retention!’ have forced us to consider a name change. We believe this can be implemented for well under $50,000. The name currently in favor is the ‘What Did I Just Say?’ project.

“Monies remaining for year No. 5 will simply be given to parents to encourage their involvement. We have commissioned several studies indicating that paid parents are more likely to participate in the education of their children.”

Larp flew to Olbee to meet with Martin Boyd, the superintendent of schools. As was his custom, Larp seized the grant monies. Although the district was only four days into the grant period, only $80 remained. Boyd explained that the cultural diversity celebration had “gotten out of hand.”

The two men met at Boyd’s office, recently redecorated through a U.S. Department of Education technology/new furniture grant.

Discussions were interrupted when Larp was injured, seizing his own chair. Boyd attempted to diffuse tensions by offering Larp an obscure beer from Slovenia. “We live in a global culture,” Boyd reminded him. “We in education cannot sit still. But if we do, it will be in areas such as reading.”

Larp demanded an itemization of expenses. Boyd refused, saying that monies had been hidden by students at this year’s work force preparedness retreat.

In frustration, Larp began pinching Boyd--a tactic that had received much scrutiny while Larp was at the IRS. Boyd, under duress, handed over a list of district goals. No. 7 was the smoking gun Larp had been seeking.

Boyd’s financial wrongdoing had now been exposed: Goal No. 7: Prepare myself for the 21st century.