Smashing the Eunuchoid Giant

OK, I have detected the fatal flaw in the Valley secession movement. Since I live in the Valley, I have some credentials in this matter. It grieves me to point out the fatal flaw because, in principle, I believe secession is the right idea at the right time.

But we have to face facts, right? So here it is: The new city, as planned, is impossible to love. Even Valleyites can’t do it.

Oh, the Valleyites like the idea of secession, all right. As the Sicilians say, revenge is a dish best served cold, and the Valley has waited 80 years for the proper moment. Now it has come.

So sweet, this revenge. But the problem remains.

Who can extend affection and loyalty to a glob of 1.6 million people spread from Studio City to Sunland? Who can even understand it?

The glob has no core. The small globules that constitute its parts have little affinity for each other. What does Sherman Oaks care for Granada Hills, and vice versa?

I, for example, live in Studio City. Once I was driving along the freeway and someone in the car pointed out that we were passing by Chatsworth.

“Oh?” I remember thinking.

And so it goes in the Valley. You can stand on Mulholland Drive, peer through the soapy film of air and see communities that hardly know of each other’s existence.

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In a phrase, the Valley concept is too big. Once created, it would likely sink into a paralysis of disparate interests and distant voices shouting at each other. It would become a miniature of Los Angeles itself.

What a pathetic end to a noble cause. But wait! There is a solution. Let’s create not one new city but several. Let’s break up the Valley.

That’s right. We could create, say, three cities whose neighborhoods have a mix of populations and share a chunk of geography. Cities that you can see across. Cities where you might live next door to the mayor.

I mean, who wants a new city with 1.6 million citizens anyway? Criminy, that’s bigger than Philadelphia. And who wants a city where you can’t imagine where they would put city hall?

Shirley Svorny, the director of the Center for the Study of the Valley at Cal State Northridge, agrees with me. Sort of. “I like the idea of several cities,” she says. “Problem is, you have to create balanced communities. That’s hard to do.”

Well, we’re up to it, so here goes:

The first city would cover the east Valley and include Studio City, North Hollywood and Sun Valley. The eastern border would snuggle up to Burbank and the western border would run along Coldwater Canyon.

City No. 2 would include Sherman Oaks, Van Nuys and Panorama City. It would pick up at Coldwater on the east and extend to the 405 on the west.

City No. 3 would cover Encino, Tarzana, Northridge and everything else west of the 405.

I know, I know. City No. 3 is bigger than the first two. That’s because we are trying to stick with affinity groups here and the west Valley pretty much holds together.

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In truth, some of these areas already have acquired quasi-governments in the face of decades of neglect by Los Angeles. Those quasi-governments are called residents associations.

Several weeks ago, for example, I walked into the Studio City Residents Assn. meeting and watched a commercial developer make his pitch to the members. He wanted to put up a mini-mall and came equipped with drawings, blueprints and a lobbyist-lawyer.

It had exactly the tone of an appearance before a city planning commission. Why did the developer do it? Because he knew he couldn’t put up his mini-mall without the blessing of the association.

The trick is to morph these quasi-governments into the real thing and to create cities that have that quality known as “transparency,” meaning they easily reveal who’s in charge and how decisions are made.

We have good examples of successful small cities all around us. West Hollywood is doing very well, thank you. So are Burbank and Culver City. Even the city of San Fernando, not the wealthiest town around, has made great strides.

Nor does the presence of multiple cities mean that Southern California can’t take a regional approach to some issues. The Bay Area, one of the most balkanized areas in the country, has shown considerable success with regionalism. Far more success, in fact, than down here where the city of L.A. dominates all.

In fact, the historian Carey McWilliams noted the odd incapacity of Los Angeles to govern itself almost 50 years ago. He referred to the city as the “Eunuchoid Giant.”

Eunuchoid as in eunuch. It remains so today and it should face the consequences. Let not one but two, three or more Valley cities bloom.