Xlusive: Lneenyo Speeks*
DAWOILD DOTH XPECT 2MUCHA MEE.
IAMM SPOS2B THISBIG TERABEL
TRBLMQR. REQLESS. AGRESSV.
NPRDKBL. AMEAN1, ALWAZE UP2NOGD.
*
WHAAA? THEY DONTKNO IM JSTABOY?
*
ALLDIS PUBLCTY MAKESIT HRD4ME
JUST2 WAIKUP NDA MORNNG.
“ELNINIO READYII MESSUP LIFEON
EARTH!” “MONZZTR ELL NINYO
ONDWAY!” “HD4DHLS ANNDD PRAI!”
*
IKANT HNDLDIS STRESSS! IMYOUNG.
IWANNA KIKBAKK, CDWORLD, D8.
*
BUTNOOO. IHAVE1 XTRMLY MBISHS
STAJMOM. SHEGOZ, “DEAREST, UR
MNT2B MGNFSNT! LET THEOTHR BOIZE
WASTE TIME WITH ROKMUZK AND
SK8BRDZ. MYDARLN IZZ DGR8
LNINO,BORNE2 ALTER GLOBIL WEATHR
PATERNS INA DRAMATK FASHN!”
*
IM LYK, “OKMOM. WUTEVOR.”
SO DERITIS. IMOFF TTO RKHAVOC. ITSMI DAM JOB.
*
IFONLY ICOULD STRTOVR. THSTIME
IDB ASMALL LO PRESURE SYSTEM OFF
DACOAST OF IRELYND. INSTED UV
FLOODS, IWOOD MAKITGO DRIZZLE ABIT.
*
IDE DROP ZE ELLL NINO ACTT 4GOODE.
HUUURAY! ANND ATLAZZT FOLKS WOODE
KALLME BY MY REEEEEL NAME: BARRRY.
*For translation of PL8SPK, please see Page 34.
(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)
Platespeak
Exclusive: El Nino Speaks
The world does expect too much of me. I’m supposed to be this big terrible troublemaker. Reckless. Aggressive. Unpredictable. A mean one. Always up to no good.
* What? They don’t know I’m just a boy?
* All this publicity makes it hard for me just to wake up in the morning. “El Nino Ready to Mess Up Life on Earth!” “Monster El Nino on the Way!” “Head for the Hills and Pray!”
* I can’t handle this stress! I’m young. I want to kick back, see the world, date.
* But no. I have one extremely ambitious stage mom. She goes, “Dearest, you’re meant to be magnificent! Let the other boys waste time with rock music and skateboards. My darling is the great El Nino, born to alter global weather patterns in a dramatic fashion!”
* I’m like, “OK, Mom. Whatever.”
* So there it is. I’m off to wreak havoc. It’s my damn job.
* If only I could start over. This time I’d be a small low-pressure system off the coast of Ireland. Instead of floods, I’d make it go drizzle a bit.
* I’d drop the El Nino act for good. Hooray! And at last folks would call me by my real name: Barry.