Can We Talk? A Guidebook
We’ve all heard that communication is the key to a stable, fulfilling relationship. But how are we supposed to master the skills?
“Communication Miracles for Couples” (Conari Press, 1997), by Jonathan Robinson, is a guide for twosomes who want to break down the barriers that inhibit communication.
A psychotherapist from Santa Barbara, Robinson offers real-life examples, tips and exercises designed to create less conflict and more love. And kudos to him for crediting his former girlfriends in the acknowledgments, “for putting up with me when I was not very skillful at communicating, and lovingly helping me discover what works.” What a guy.
* “I define appreciation as the art of telling your partner what you like about him or her. To get in touch with what you appreciate, you can simply ask yourself, ‘What do I like or appreciate about my partner?’ By focusing on that question and occasionally expressing your answers to your sweetheart, it will help to keep her self-esteem bank balance in abundance. In addition, when difficulties arise between the two of you, expressing an appreciation can help your partner let go of blaming you or being defensive.”
* “I had a couple in my office named Sarah and Jim who both complained that they didn’t feel loved by the other. Sarah’s main way of feeling loved was through hearing the words, ‘Honey, I really love you,’ in a very soft and gentle voice. Every time Jim tried to say these words, they came out wrong. Finally, I took him into a different room, and I coached him till he said the words in just the right way. He walked back into my office and said, ‘Honey, I really love you,’ in a really sweet tone of voice--and Sarah immediately got tears in her eyes. Jim was so surprised at this result that he quickly turned to me and said, ‘Hey, this stuff really works!’ ”
* “I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. The bad news is, if you want a happy and loving relationship, you’re going to have to give something up: your insistence on being right. When you insist on being right, what you indirectly communicate to your partner is that she is wrong. You simply can’t insist on being right (a form of blame) and have intimacy. The good news is, if you’re willing to let go of being right, you can easily experience plenty of love, harmony and fulfillment in your relationship.”
* “In any intimate relationship, your partner will eventually violate many of your rules. When our rules are stepped on, we get upset. In fact, every upset in a relationship is due to two people having different ideas of the acceptable way to do things. When our rule is not respected by our partner, we feel hurt or rejected. Blame sets in. In my work with couples, I attempt to show them there are no universal standards of what should happen in a relationship. Once partners can see there’s no clear-cut correct way of doing things, it becomes easier for them to share their needs without making their partner wrong for how they’ve acted in the past.”
* “Most couples have to keep dealing with the same old problems, because they never come to a specific agreement as to how to resolve anything. To avoid this mess, learn to negotiate agreements that work for both partners.”