A Modern Lesson in U.S. History

In the students-write-the-darndest-things category, Diane Maddox related this story: “My fifth-grade class at Liggett Elementary in Panorama City is studying the history of the United States. We began with an explanation of how the first people arrived by crossing the Bering Strait and ultimately populated all of the Americas. The question on the test was, ‘How did the first people come to the Americas?’ One of the student’s answer was: ‘By airplane with a green card.’ ”

ROADSIDE LAUGHS: Sometimes I wonder if the typos on highway signs aren’t put there to entertain motorists stuck in traffic. How else to explain all the goofs? (Incompetence? No!) Anyway, for our latest entries, John Mayer found a sign on the Ronald Reagan Freeway littering the name of Simi Valley as well as one near the 118 that sounds a bit violent (see photos).

SOUNDS LIKE . . . : “Semi” Valley is the latest addition to our list of towns and municipalities that have seen their names bungled. Lucie Hagens remembered a second-grade student of hers who wrote a story about a visit to “Sandyeggo.” And Bruce Stein of Canoga Park added: “I once got a package when I worked in Van Nuys addressed to ‘Van Eyes.’ ”

RITES OF THE IGUANA: Regarding the housebroken iguana that I mentioned--that’s housebroken, not housebreaking--Mason Stockstill e-mailed that, “though it may seem silly, iguanas can and indeed often are potty-trained, meaning that they are trained to use a specified area of their cage for their waste disposal. Training them is kind of inactive, though.”

Stockstill explained that the owner “lets the iguana establish the area in his cage and then puts the newspaper there, hoping they’ll catch on. . . .”

I wish he hadn’t said newspaper.

L.A. HAW: Steve Hogan of Beverly Hills recalls that, as a law clerk, “I was required to summarize the plaintiff’s medical records for the attorney on the case. In those days, we dictated our transcription and the secretary transcribed our dictation. Being a law clerk, we always were assigned the worst secretary in the office.

“One day, I got back my medical record summary for one of the cases. The transcription read: ‘She had a baloney amputation which was inedible.’ It took me some time to figure out what I had really said, but I finally was able to. I had dictated, ‘She had a below-the-knee amputation, which was inevitable.”

A STREET THAT WILL FINALLY LIVE UP TO ITS NAME: “Coincidence or karma?” asks KCAL weathercaster Carl Bell. Moving into the traffic area briefly, he alerted this column to a newspaper story out of Thousand Oaks that said “in response to residents’ complaints,” law enforcement authorities would “actively enforce the 40 mph speed limit” on Hillcrest Drive “near Citation Way. . . .”

No baloney.

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The Learning Annex is holding a seminar on the martini at the Hyatt West Hollywood tonight from 6:30 to 8:30. A spokeswoman said there will be hors d’oeuvres and “some sipping.” Cost is $39 for one person, $59 for a couple. Not exactly happy hour prices.