Punch Lines
Good Night, John Boy: The Waltons’ Ralph Waite lost to Mary Bono. It’s worse than he thought. Ken Starr has subpoenaed the notes from John Boy’s journal. (Kenny Cortes Noble)
Rock On: Rock singer Tommy Lee was sentenced to six months in jail for assaulting Pamela Anderson. He’ll also have to perform 250 hours of community service as a referee on the “Jerry Springer Show.” (Bob Mills)
Divine Decision: Lotto fever has really dominated everyone’s thinking this week in California. Yesterday a streetwalker asked me if I wanted to give her a lump sum or 26 annual payments. (Russ Myers)
In Sync: Former Milli Vanilli singer Rob Pilatus died recently in Germany. In keeping with his last wishes, the priest lip-synced the entire eulogy. (Gary Moore)
Open Mouth, Insert Foot: Marge Schott, who owns baseball’s Cincinnati Reds, is recuperating from hip surgery. She took a spill on her driveway last week, further injuring her hip, which had become weakened over the years by Schott’s habit of putting her foot in her mouth. (Ira Lawson)
Welcome Home: Customs officials at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport are under fire for their treatment of an Iranian wrestling team. Upon their arrival, the grapplers were detained, fingerprinted and questioned. “We were told to make the Iranians feel right at home,” said an inspector. (Lawson)
Model Behavior: Remember that guy in New York City who chained his bike to a tree? The judge sentenced him to hug, kiss and apologize to the tree. Well, today he chained his bike to Cindy Crawford. (Jay Leno)
Stay Tuned: A British film company has begun making a documentary about the JonBenet Ramsey murder case and the Boulder police have a new plan. They’re gonna wait for the film, rent it, watch it and then find out who the killer is. They think it’ll come somewhere near the film’s end. (Leno)
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The Impotent David Letterman:
Top 10 side effects of the new impotence drug Viagra:
10. You find yourself thinking, “Andy Rooney isn’t a bad-looking guy.”
6. Uncontrollable urge to run for president.
1. Pregnancy.
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