Neusner on Message to Grieving Jonesboro

Re “It’s Too Soon to Ask Forgiveness,” Commentary, March 31:

To agree with and add to Jacob Neusner’s observations: The primary concern of the grieving families is the devastating emotional pain caused by the deaths of their loved ones. The questions are about all of the broken hopes, dreams and expectations for the future with their loved ones. While it is almost impossible for them (and us) not to ask all those unanswerable questions about why it happened, they must go back to the original problem, that their hearts are broken.

The religious, spiritual or philosophical ability to forgive someone who has harmed you or one of your loved ones does not complete what is emotionally unfinished between you and your loved one. In fact, the intellectual trap is the false idea that forgiving the transgressor removes the pain in your heart. Yes, they will need to forgive, not condone, the murderers. But first they must deal with their relationships with their loved ones.

RUSSELL P. FRIEDMAN

Executive Director

Grief Recovery Institute, L.A.

* Neusner’s disdain at the theme of forgiveness preached by Jonesboro clergy even before the bodies were buried is on the mark. He neglected to mention, however, the other pathetic cliche that at least one of these ministers uttered. And that’s the “your child is now in a better place” line. As a parent, I’m always stunned when I hear that bit of hyper-faith directed at mothers and fathers who have just suffered the worst loss imaginable.

On March 31 The Times reported that child abuse fatalities have risen in L.A. County for the second year in a row. How long before we hear a lawyer defending a parent accused of child murder by saying the parent merely wanted the child to be in “a better place”?

MICHAEL HIRSH

Calabasas

* Thank you for the inspired article which restores faith. As an educated women, mother of four and grandmother of five, I have been saddened by the sliding ethics and seeming acceptance of cheapening values and standards. The feel-good rationalization process is like a wave of evil. I was horrified by the comments of Billy Graham and the acceptance of adulterous behavior if the spouse doesn’t seem to mind. This is demeaning to women, and demeaning to men who value integrity.

Please continue to give us a moral compass. It is risky to be moral or demand morality in our community these days.

ANN ST. DENIS

Murrieta