Just Kidding, Mr. President

Q: What’s even scarier than a White House intern?

A: A stand-up comedian. Hire one, and you just might not want to hire the other.

Or so the very frightening Kathy Griffin learned after she was recruited to entertain President Clinton and other partyers at a Democratic fund-raiser not long ago.

OK, so Brooke Shields’ edgy “Suddenly Susan” co-star always knew she could give the heebie-jeebies to small children and Bible Belters with her firm command of the English language--particularly words limited to four letters. She laid her tart vocabulary on the line when she negotiated with the president’s People.

“I said, ‘I intend to cuss a lot. What happens if I do that?’ They said, ‘You can swear. We don’t mind that. You just can’t say anything about the president and especially the current scandal.’ ”

Oh, that.

It turned out she didn’t. A week before the event, Griffin got the boot. Nothing personal, they said. The White House was uncomfortable with a stand-up comedian. They wanted a musician instead.

Which meant that Jewel was crowned the evening’s entertainment and Griffin was demoted to Celebrity Host. Which still put her in line for a photo op with the president.

“I had this great plan. I was carrying this adorable brown satin Kenneth Cole clutch purse. . . . So I thought, right before they take the picture, I’ll casually say, ‘Would you hold my purse?’ I thought I’d get this funny picture of me and the president, and he’s holding my purse.”

In the nutty world of comedy, this is known as “a bit.” It doesn’t necessarily compute with the nutty world of presidents, who tend to be surrounded by security guys, who tend not to bite on bits. They do, however, take away scary clutch bags that threaten the leader of the free world.

Griffin, now purseless, went up to Clinton and introduced herself.

“The photographer says, ‘Sir, put your hands by your side.’ And the president goes, ‘What?’

“And I go, ‘He said, “Take your hands off me.” ’ “

Yikes, if you don’t mind us saying so.

“It was such a failed attempt at a joke. Then he turns to me and says very seriously, ‘I enjoy your show very much. Every week.’

“And I go, ‘Yeah, like you watch ‘Suddenly Susan.’ I don’t know what was wrong with me. But then he gets pissed and goes, ‘Yeah, I do.’ So I go, ‘I took you for more of a “Just Shoot Me” guy.’ ”

Griffin is such a sentimental fool that she has taped photos of her op with Clinton (and comedy-writing boyfriend Mark Banker) all over the Warner Hollywood commissary, where we’re all acting like fools for Caesar salad. We’re celebrating her new nightcap on HBO, “The ‘Round Midnight Special: Kathy Griffin: Hot Cup of Talk.” The ebullient comedian has just shared her magic moment with Bill on the little screen.

So we ask Griffin what every dangerous girl in America wants to know: Is he cute?

“He’s very ruddy,” she says thoughtfully. “I can’t really say that he had that charisma, like when I saw him in person, my clothes flew off.”

Who knew?

That’s all we’re going to tell you about Griffin’s show. You see, here in family newspaperland, we don’t mind talking about the presidential scandal, but cuss words generally aren’t fit to print.

Which was what Griffin thought all along.

“This is not for the kids. It’s barely for the teens, and it’s for three adults.”

But who’s counting?

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‘Mommie’ Revisited: Christina Crawford wants you to know that after becoming the poster child for poster children, there are no hard feelings. At least as far as her mommie dearest’s career is concerned.

In a phone chat from her rustic refuge in Idaho where she runs a bed-and-breakfast, Crawford recommended “Joan Crawford Week”--this week’s 43-film tribute on Turner Classic Movies--to children of all ages.

“I have always been able to make the separation between her talent, her longevity and her stardom versus the private personal relationship that she and I had, which was problematic over all the years that I knew her.

“And I think it’s wonderful that people are still enthusiastic about her career, because it truly was an extraordinary career and something that I have admired.”

So you’ll be stocking up on popcorn for “Joan Crawford Week”?

“I, unfortunately, do not have cable.”

You’re not wired? How about watching your mom’s films on video?

“I have one or two. ‘Possessed,’ and I can’t remember the other one.”

Uh, OK.

“I have seen, not all of the films, but the majority of them. And when she was at Warner Bros. during the years I was growing up, I visited the set of most of these films. So I saw bits and pieces of many, many, many movies being made even if I didn’t see the entire project.”

Uh, OK.

Not that she’s haunted by the past, but Crawford recently self-published a 20th-anniversary edition of her iconic “Mommie Dearest” (Seven Springs Press) that restores what William Morrow took out of the original version.

“It didn’t show the process as to how I got from being an abused child to being a professional with a personal life. There are serious drawbacks to having to learn--certain thingsas an adult, such as understanding how the world works--simple things, like how do you get a job?--and having difficulty in romantic relationships.” She’s single now, after three divorces.

Pick Crawford’s brain in a live chat Tuesday at 7 p.m. at https://www.TCM.Turner.com.

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Winters’ Summer: Call us the cable police if you must, but we also asked original “Lolita” cine-mom Shelley Winters if she’d managed to catch Adrian Lyne’s new film of the Nabokov classic on Showtime.

“No, I haven’t. I’m anxious to. I just haven’t been able to. They showed it on television opposite a wonderful biography of [Steven] Spielberg that I wanted to see.”

Uh, OK.

“I wish I knew how to work the tape. I’m a motor moron.”

Whatever.

We’re chatting at the awards dinner for the fledgling Hollywood Film Festival at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, where everyone’s making a fuss over the veteran actress, the evening’s Lifetime Achievement Award winner. Other honorees include producers Richard Zanuck and David Brown, director Norman Jewison, and film composers Dave Grusin and Stewart Copeland.

“I’m a little astounded. All I had to do was work for 50 years,” she says with a hoot.

Actually, it’s been three decades since the earthy Winters was the toast of the ballroom. “I’ve won two Oscars, and I think this is the closest thing to the Oscars I’ve seen.”

But what decades. Winters is deconstructing them for your reading pleasure in her upcoming third memoir, which will focus on politics and career. (Sorry, she ran out of secrets.)

“Mrs. Roosevelt once said to me at a Democratic thing in New York where someone asked me to make a speech, she said, ‘Shelley, you’re what we call an emotional liberal. You’re a little weak on facts, but your heart is in the right place.’

“So I try to keep that and get a little more facts in my head.”

Picky, picky.

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Squirrel Nuttiness: Everyone knows L.A. is one of the country’s credit-card-toasting capitals. So you’d expect any visiting Squirrel Nut Zipper to whip one out here and shop for duds.

Not on charge-magnet Rodeo Drive, however. The Zippers recently bought their zippers at Daddyo’s, a vintage-clothing shop in North Hollywood.

“It did right by me,” Zippers singer Katharine Whalen told us at a Chateau Marmont bash hosted by the band’s label, Mammoth Records, after their recent Palace appearance. “I got some stuff.”

And what fabulous stuff it was. Perfect for a band from Chapel Hill, N.C., that makes everything old new again.

The Zippers’ fusion of swing, hot jazz, klezmer, blues and brass drew a batch of trendy youngsters to the Chateau, including Natalie Portman and beau Lukas Haas, Renee Zellweger and Claire Danes. The party was strangely hors d’oeuvres-free, but the Zippers are savoring something tastier than mere eats: Their third album, “Perennial Favorites,” makes its debut at No. 18 on Billboard’s top 200 chart in Monday’s issue.