Off-Kilter

Loser of the Week: This week’s award will be split by the plaintiffs and attorneys behind the following ludicrous lawsuits, which were noted in a recent John Leo column in U.S. News & World Report:

* The amorous couple who sued New York City’s subway system for $10 million after a train hit them while they were having sex on the tracks.

* A pet owner who went to court claiming that her dog was killed by a neighbor’s secondhand cigarette smoke.

* The victims of a Puerto Rico hotel fire (set by disgruntled union members) who sued hundreds of manufacturers of various hotel fixtures that burned in the blaze, including the wallpaper, bar stools and flammable casino dice.

* A pair of homeless New Yorkers--one on heroin and another who downed a bottle of wine for breakfast--who won a $13-million verdict after being scorched by the subway’s electrified third rail. The sum included $9,000 for loss of income as “squeegee men” cleaning car windshields at intersections.

* The family of a Korean immigrant who was electrocuted after climbing onto some subway tracks and urinating on the third rail. His widow won $1.5 million because there were no signs in Korean forbidding such behavior.

Starr Witness Department: For those of you who aren’t sick of hearing about Bill Clinton’s sex life, a company called Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy Inc. is selling Fondle Me Bubba dolls for $28. When squeezed, the stuffed Clinton toy drawls such phrases as, “Baby, you make my knees knock,” “Oral sex is not adultery” and “I feel your pain.” To order, call (877) LUV-BUBBA or visit the company’s Web site, https://www.fondlemebubba.com.

Oxymoron Monitor: A Florida company has just introduced a $22,000 “flying boat.” Maybe we have a faulty dictionary, but isn’t a boat that leaves the water no longer a boat, by definition?

Maybe the company could also sell helicopter cars and underwater airplanes.

Gesundheit Headquarters: Tulsa, Okla., has just been branded America’s Sneeziest City by Multidata Inc., which forecasts pollen conditions for pharmaceutical companies and TV weather reports. Other super-sniffly towns, which are rated by autumn ragweed levels, include Dallas, Oklahoma City and Little Rock, Ark.

Conventions We Won’t Be Attending: Bobbin World 1998, which is billed as “the event for the sewn products industry.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: “Werewolves Are Tougher Than Vampires!” (Weekly World News)

According to the article, ancient Romans regularly pitted the two monsters against each other in gladiator matches at the Colosseum--until Emperor Constantine banned the spectacles in 326 (perhaps because one of the vampires chipped a tooth and sued for emotional distress). WWN says the wolf men usually won the battles.

Well, duh. Everyone knows what happens to vampires in sunlight.

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Olympia Daily World, West Coast Fashion Mannuscript