Punch Lines

Opening Statement: “Before we begin, I have a little confession to make. Last Friday I was with another audience. It was a misstatement to tell you in the warmup I had only been with you. It was an inappropriate relationship; it will never happen again.” (Jay Leno)

It’s T-Day: President Clinton testified about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky. “However, Hillary is furious with the Gores. Apparently, after Ken Starr finished recording Clinton’s testimony, Tipper Gore immediately slapped the tape with a parental advisory sticker.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Nielsen Ratings: “President Clinton has gone on television to admit he lied about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky. It was the first presidential address to be rated TV-14.” (Zack Taylor)

Rhythm Nation: Jesse Jackson was called to the White House to help comfort the president and his family. “Boy, Clinton was angry. He said, ‘Janet Jackson, you idiots!’ ” (Leno)

Put Your Left Foot in . . . : President Clinton is finally admitting he had a sexual relationship with Lewinsky. “I’m sorry, he didn’t use the word sex. He used the term ‘hokeypokey’ ” (The Daily Scoop)

Chop-Chop: “Hillary Clinton would like to put an end to the whole Monica Lewinsky controversy. To show the total trust in her husband, she even hired a new intern--Lorena Bobbitt.” (Alex Freidin)

Risky Business: In a new CDC report, significant numbers of U.S. high school students admitted they get drunk, have sex, smoke, carry weapons and practice other risky behavior. “It’s obvious today’s youth are desperately lost and torn: They can’t decide whether to pursue careers in Washington or Hollywood.” (Sostrin)

Changing Hands: Beat writer Lawrence Ferlinghetti, convicted of obscenity in 1953, was named poet laureate of San Francisco. “Back in the Eisenhower era, obscenity was a state crime. In the Clinton era, its an entry-level job.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Very Affluent: Forbes magazine named Oprah Winfrey the richest performer in show business. She made $250 million last year. “Whenever Michael Jordan joins her on the show, they form the sixth largest economy in the world.” (Hamilton)

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