The Most Important Research of Your Life

As you read this, I’m in Northern California helping my brother and his wife search for child care.

They’re new parents, beginning new jobs as teachers in a new city, and they’re frightened by the prospect of leaving their 6-month-old with strangers, even though it would be for only a few hours each day while their work schedules overlap.

So I agreed to head north, armed with my own experience from the school of hard knocks--and with advice you readers offered in response to my recent plea.

*

For a few days after my column appeared in which I asked for your ideas on day care, I was deluged with notes--many angry, some actually profane, lambasting me for even raising the issue, and insisting that the only acceptable resolution to a parent’s dilemma is simple:

“STAY HOME!”

But soon, the e-mails, letters and faxes began arriving from women whose lives are not so simple, who have had to make adjustments and concessions as they face the need to not simply mother, but also to make a living to support the children they love.

It was especially gratifying to hear from older women--grandmothers now--who had to work when their children were young, when child care was even harder to find and societal disapproval was stronger than it is today. They reported that their children have grown into secure, well-adjusted adults with respect for their mothers and fond memories of the sitters who served as their fill-in moms.

“Would I have liked to be home? Yes,” wrote a retired secretary who divorced when her three children were young. “But they learned to depend on one another, and to this day we are all so close.”

On the other hand, I heard horror stories--of unreliable sitters who quit on a whim, and worse. Like the woman whose daughter was injured in the home of a sitter who had taken in more children than she could supervise.

“I saw the red flags,” the mother recalled, “but was hesitant to do anything about them” because she so desperately needed the arrangement to work.

I am grateful to all who took the time to respond constructively. I know how busy days and nights are for parents trying to juggle the demands of work and home. For those late-night e-mails--sent after you finally got the kids to bed--and those notes scribbled on your lunch hours at work, thanks so much.

*

You offered practical advice on where to look for help:

* The state of California’s network of child-care resource and referral services (there are 10 in Los Angeles County alone) maintains lists of licensed day-care facilities and offers advice to parents who opt for in-home care.

* College placement offices--especially at schools offering courses in child development--can be a boon to families needing part-time help, after-school care or summertime help when the kids are out of school. Most charge a small fee to post your job on their boards.

* And there is always networking: letting friends, co-workers and neighbors know of your needs. One woman told of inheriting the excellent nanny of a co-worker whose children were starting school and no longer needed full-time care. I myself found one of my daughters’ favorite au pairs when a neighbor spotted a notice in her church newsletter about a young Swedish visitor who needed a job.

*

Some readers advocated day-care homes or centers, where children have opportunities to socialize and there are enough caregivers to guard against the fatigue that could compromise care.

Others touted in-home care, which provides children with one-on-one attention and the comfortable familiarity of their own surroundings.

The bottom line in any case is always to check references. It may seem like a no-brainer, but it surprises me how many of my former sitters were subsequently hired by families who never phoned me to check them out.

If you’re considering a home or a center, ask for the phone numbers of currently enrolled parents and interview them. Be specific in your questions: These parents’ standards might not be the same as yours. Ask not only whether they are satisfied, but what they like most and least about the place, and why.

If you’re hiring someone for in-home care, let nothing slip through the cracks. It is not uncommon for prospects to ask friends or family members to pose as references, so ask very specific questions about the sitter’s tenure, and compare the answers to what the applicant says.

Always obtain a copy of an applicant’s driver’s license and Social Security number. There are services you can hire to do background checks (some will ask for fingerprints so they can check criminal records).

“It costs about $70 but it’s worth it,” said a mother in West Los Angeles who remembers that she “almost hired someone whose name and Social Security number didn’t even exist.”

In interviews, probe beyond the obvious to find out what an applicant’s values are, how he or she was raised and how problems were handled at home. I remember being amazed at the ease with which our first au pair managed my temperamental 5-year-old. When I complimented her, she confided that she’d been the temperamental child in her own family, and she relied on her own childhood remembrances to keep things calm.

And if the sitter is a mother, try to meet her kids. Is there a better indication of the kind of care this woman provides? Beyond that, her children are likely over time to become part of your child’s circle. One mother noted that her two daughters had been spurred to academic success by the role models of their sitter’s children.

“A familiar comment during the child-care search is, ‘You don’t need someone who’s a rocket scientist,’ ” the mother wrote. “Maybe not, but I wanted--and found--someone who could raise a rocket scientist.”

* Next Friday: Sandy Banks shares some of the not-so-constructive advice she received. Her e-mail address is sandy.banks@latimes.com.