The Actor-Comedian Is Good Will Pumping

You’re on your own with this one. Don’t look for help from me--I’m still reeling from last Monday’s interview with Robin Williams, the Oscar-winning actor (1997’s “Good Will Hunting”) and comedian. We had a mouth marathon about his gearing up for the 12th annual Nautica Malibu Triathlon on Sept. 20 at Zuma Beach.

This is the second year in a row Williams has sweated in the triathlon, a benefit for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. In fact, as soon as we hung up, Williams and his trainer, Greg O’Bryan, planned to zoom off for a 47-mile bike ride in Marin County. (If he pedals as fast as he talks, he’ll leave O’Bryan in the dust.)

Williams, 46, and his family live in Marin County.

Question: Are you doing all three--the half-mile swim, four-mile run and 18-mile bike ride?

Answer: No, no, no. God, no. “What’s that little thing floating? Oh, my God, they swam over Robin. Quick. Call David Hasselhoff. It’s ‘Baywatch’ in the water getting Robin out.” I do the bike ride. I love riding bikes.

Q: What are you doing for this event, besides your normal workout?

A: Basically, a lot of long rides and then, in between days, some weight training and then running.

Q: Have you intensified, though? I’m trying to find out if your regimen is different for this.

A: No. I mean, you just increase it. And then you have this thing called a stationary bike that works off of a computer that puts an image on a TV screen, a 3-D image, which is pretty wonderful. If you’re online with somebody, you could ride against this kinda silver surfer dude who’s on a bike and compete against him. You can be against Don Knotts or [champion cyclist] Miguel Indurain. Either way you have an interesting day.

Q: What about the weight training?

A: You do basically free weights. It’s one of those standing stations where you alternate all body parts. Allllll body parts. But not a lot of legwork because you’re getting that on the cycle.

Look, it’s quad boy. It’s Lou Ferrigno.

Q: Anything else besides the weights and bicycling?

A: Running--cross-country running like in hills. I don’t like streets. Sometimes if you have to, but most of the time there’s so many beautiful hills and parks and wonderful places, just exquisite, and you actually do run into wild animals, which makes it interesting.

Q: On four legs.

A: Oh, they’re four-legged and there’s two-headed. There’s turkey vultures which look like a rat head. Basically, a snake screwed a turkey. Oh, look. There’s our child. You come around the corner and there’s a turkey vulture going--Fine. It’s yours. I’m really not into the dead rabbit. Good luck.

Q: Do you do this every day? I’m losing it here. Did you tell me how often you exercise?

A: Every other day.

Q: Was there anything else physically that you do?

A: Physically. Well, not without a subpoena. I can’t talk about that. At this time I misinterpreted the idea. Physically. Um, let’s see. What else, what else, what else, anything else. No, no.

Q: Can I ask you about diet?

A: Yes, ma’am.

Q: Are you eating differently to get ready for the bike ride?

A: Yes. You have to find your own prey. No, but it’s the survival diet. I think you just diminish. I’ve just been trying to cut back a little. I mean, the weird thing is that when you go for these long rides and you’ve been running . . . you do diminish on your own. The main thing is food replacements and sometimes you use these meal-replacement bars. What are they? Forty-30-40?

Q: Forty-30-30, I think. I don’t know anymore. I just refer to all of them as protein bars.

A: Yeah. Forty-30-20-45-5. Five-5-5. Forty percent protein. Yeah, part carbohydrate. You have 10% fat. Good for the brain. A little bit of Viagra so you ride hard. Ride hard good. Oh, yeah, dear God, woman, not now. Not on a day like that. Take that stain out. That must have been rubbish. She tried to send it to the dry cleaner. They send back--a little stain won’t come out. What, the stain won’t come out? No.

Q: Could you give me some idea about your breakfast, lunch, dinner? Starting with breakfast.

A: I start out with a pin~a colada. So hard to get that coconut up there. I always start out with--oh, it’s caffeine coffee. Oh, sad but true.

I start off with an English muffin and then some protein--one egg or some cottage cheese and definitely the caffeine. OK. And then for lunch, it’s a sandwich of--see, basically, Kevorkian chicken. The chicken took its own life so you have no worry about bad karma, and then for dinner it’s vegetables and another protein and some carbohydrate of choice and then a gallon of Haagen-Dazs. And then the Ben & Jerry’s outtake program. You get air-travel miles from Ben & Jerry to Vermont and back.

Q: Dinner is what again? More chicken?

A: Yeah, you can do chicken. The one that actually was raised on top of an oven, free-range chicken. I’m sure the chicken went--”Yeah, free range. I had 25 yards to live in, versus the other ones which are totally drug-infested, whacked out.”

Q: You do or you don’t eat dessert?

A: Well, sometimes. I’m not gonna lie. Won’t give daddy some sugar. Sometimes, yeah, I crave just a little, especially, God, after you’ve ridden that long, you want something.

Q: OK, but like what?

A: God, I don’t know. Oh, let’s see. Berry cobbler. Oh, we have unborn pears picked at a ranch in Mendocino. What do we have? I mean, sometimes, God, every once in a while you treat yourself with something nice.

Q: How about water? Drink a lot of water?

A: Lots of water. Hydrate. Hydrate. Carry a camel back when you go for the long rides and multiple water bottles and sometimes those food replacements. You need that stuff, especially now in the heat thanks to El Nin~o--and his sister, La Nin~a.

Q: And Los Abuelos y Las Abuelas.

A: Niiiiiiin~o. Where’s Los Besos? Why, the front’s coming your way--Los Besos. A big, warm kiss of nature. Mother Nature’s hot for you.

Q: Better stop. I don’t think I can go on.

A: Well, you’ve got a shard of an interview there.

* Registration ($60-$95) starts at 6 a.m., and the event kicks off at 7:30. Spectators can cheer for free. Information: (818) 707-8867.

* Guest Workout runs Mondays in Health.