LAUGH LINES

Open the Door: Exxon will purchase Mobil, and together they will operate more than 48,000 gas stations. “Still, there will be only one bathroom key, the one attached to the dirty fly swatter.” (Jerry Perisho)

Open the Window: “The merger of Exxon and Mobil could form the world’s second-largest gas company. No. 1 would be Del Taco and Taco Bell.” (Stan Kaplan)

Speaking of Prole Food: Researchers at the University of Texas in Austin have developed an electronic tongue capable of tasting hundreds of different substances. “It’s so sensitive, it can taste the difference between Twinkies that have been on the shelf for a year and those that have been there for five years.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Disclaimer: Jerry Springer’s movie, “Ringmaster,” has opened. “Included in the credits: ‘No trailer trash lowlifes were hurt in the making of this film.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

More News From Tinseltown: Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche say they’re moving out of Hollywood. “Why? It’s not as if they need more closet space.” (Premiere Radio)

Speaking of Happy Families: Woody Allen turned 63 this week. “I understand he is spending a quiet evening at home with his wife and/or daughter.” (Steve Voldseth)

Knock on Wood: This year the White House Christmas tree will be an 18 1/2-foot balsam fir from Endeavor, Wis. “The tree will be set up in the Blue Room. As always, the official backup is Al Gore.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

And Speaking of the Clintons’ Tree: “The tree will remain undecorated. Every time somebody tries to hang something on it, it just slides right off.” (Perisho)

From the Sports Desk: During a recent NFL game, the referee blew the coin toss. “None of the players noticed, however, because in college they majored in remedial studies.” (Gary Easley)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.