Recounting Their Many Blessings for the Holidays
Dear Beloved Relative or Trusted Friend,
It’s Christmastime again and a hearty hi-ho from Ray and Millie’s family to yours. Hope the season finds you well and looking forward to 1999, as are we.
Apologies for not writing all year, returning any of your phone calls or, for that matter, informing you that we had relocated.
The important thing is we’re thinking of you right this minute and know you wonder how our family has fared the last year. It has been an exciting 1998, and so without further ado:
We had a baby! That’s right, No. 13. Andy (“The Little Man”) arrived six months ago and is already talking up a storm. Just kidding! After 12 girls, we finally got a boy, but is he ever going to have a problem with hand-me-downs. Ha!
On the other end of the age spectrum, 26-year-old sister Shelly (“Shells”) got her Ph.D. in animal sciences. She wants to study long-snouted herbivores in Africa, and, naturally, we couldn’t be more pleased. That’s been a dream of Shells’ ever since she correctly spelled “aardvark” to win a spelling bee in sixth grade.
Kathryn (“Kats”), 24, took up scuba diving on Feb. 23 but quit after only two lessons. If any of you could use a brand-new $2,200 diving outfit that Ray got her, make us an offer!
Elyse (“Leesie”), 22, married, divorced and then remarried, all while holding down a responsible position with the school district. She got her picture in the paper in May when she talked the superintendent down from a fourth-floor window ledge.
Ethel (“Skeets”), 21, ended 11 months in a convent and then announced a desire to convert to Judaism. She describes her year as “a journey,” and her mother and six of her sisters support her 100%.
Meanwhile, Sandy, 20, took a job in Moline, Ill., working as a secretary in a farm implement supply company. She is renting an apartment on the outskirts of town and continues to bowl regularly--and not just to please her dad!
Randi, 19, finally finished “Little Women” and enjoyed it.
Maribeth (“Mares”), 17, was voted “Student of the Month” for March at her school. When she was called up on stage on Honors Night to receive her award, she threw up on the principal.
Gloria, 15, shaved her head in January for no apparent reason, but her grades didn’t suffer, so we allowed her to start dating.
Rosie (“Petals” or “Pets”), 12, bounced back like a champ after a short hospital stay. Ray has promised never to make her play ice hockey again.
Jessica, 11, went shopping with her mother in June and inadvertently knocked over $1,800 worth of chinaware.
Annette (“Little Nets”), 8, began reading “Little Women” in September.
Charmaine, 7, became the first of the girls to offer to watch the Super Bowl with their dad. Some bad guacamole, unfortunately, put Ray out of action that afternoon--maybe next year!
As for Mom and Pop, home and work duties forced them once again to put off the long-awaited Portland vacation. Even though they continue to wonder why they can “never seem to get ahead,” they remain thankful for their many blessings.
Ray continues to work in sporting goods, where he set second-quarter department sales records for fly-fishing rods and hip waders. He’s got a busy sports schedule planned for little Andy, including a new Pop Warner football team for toddlers.
Millie continues to volunteer at Planned Parenthood and vows not to let the new baby (“even if he cries his head off”) deter her from spending more time on her true passion--making decorative sweater vests for dogs and puppets.
In November, Ray and Millie celebrated their 27th anniversary. Millie joined a yoga club; Ray got new barbecue equipment and a vasectomy.
Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers can reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.