Some Questions for Quizzical Times

Now is the time to reflect on the year’s momentous events, although that might depend on what your definition of “is” is.

For if 1998 has taught us anything, it is that “is” is not always is, particularly at those special times when “is” is “is not” or even is “never was.”

That makes my year-end task of putting together a quiz on news events of 1998 especially daunting. To do so, I must acknowledge that this implausible, impossible, exasperating, exhilarating year actually exists--that is, that until 1998 turns to “was,” it, in fact, “is”--an assertion for which there is not one scrap of solid evidence but mountains of intimation, insinuation, salacious innuendo, unconscionable menudo and in flagrante delicto.

Even so, I would like to register my disgust with the alleged year’s reprehensible behavior. As I recall, most of us heartily agreed to give 1998 a chance last Jan. 1, but how many would vote for it now? Whether 1998 should be thrown out of office like an old calendar is entirely up to you, your conscience, and your answers to the unimpeachably penetrating questions below:

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* Hundreds of Hells Angels from around the world roared into Ventura in 1998 in order to:

A. Forge a historic alliance with the Chamber of Commerce.

B. Redirect the organization’s investment strategy in light of the Asian economic crisis.

C. Run riot through the streets, commit multiple drunken offenses and contemplate “blowing away” certain individuals.

D. Celebrate their 50th anniversary.

* Judge Robert Bradley can look back on 1998 as a year he:

A. Regrets.

B. Deeply regrets.

C. Ran riot through the streets, committed multiple drunken offenses and contemplated “blowing away” certain individuals.

* When El Nino slammed into Ventura County, it created:

A. A huge market for yellow slickers.

B. A churning river of raw sewage in Thousand Oaks that could have been lifted from Dante’s vision of hell.

C. A huge market for rubber hip boots.

* Thousand Oaks City Council members insisted the sewage spill had nothing to do with the years of bitter infighting that had stalled replacement of an aging sewer line. They were:

A. Being legally accurate.

B. Creating a huge market for rubber hip boots.

C. Socked with a state fine of $2.3 million--the largest such penalty ever levied.

* In 1998, Ventura County voters approved a controversial land-use measure known as SOAR. The measure will:

A. Force farmers to raise strawberries in the greenbelt.

B. Force farmers to raise martinis in the late afternoon.

C. Force farmers to bulldoze the outlet malls and plant giant used-car lots in their place.

D. Force farmers to get public approval before developing their land.

* SOAR will:

A. Drive real estate prices so high that only attorneys and plastic surgeons will be able to afford new homes.

B. Drive crop prices so high that only farmers will be able to afford legal advice and liposuction.

C. End life as we know it but keep the scenery.

* In 1998, Simi Valley and Thousand Oaks maintained their customary spots among the nation’s three safest cities because:

A. Subdivision rules bar free-standing basketball hoops, open garage doors and felony assault.

B. Highly skilled police officers took a bite out of crime.

C. Highly skilled police officers took the bodies and dumped them in L. A.

* On a late night before the Republican primary, Assembly candidate Rich Sybert tore down his opponent’s campaign signs in Thousand Oaks. Until a videotape surfaced, he denied it, claiming it couldn’t have been him because:

A. He was at a meeting of his impulse-control group.

B. He was leading a seminar on family values.

C. He was in bed (“I checked with my wife and she’s pretty sure the guy next to her Monday was me.”)

* To redevelop its sagging downtown, the city of Ventura:

A. Asked the Hells Angels to consider moving their national headquarters there.

B. Floated bonds to enhance the city’s tattoo capabilities and thrift-store capacity.

C. Told Cal State that all is forgiven, and did they want to build a campus on Taylor Ranch after all?

D. Built a 10-screen movie theater and temporarily installed painful seats to keep the crowds down.

* After more than three decades, the trustees of California State University finally:

A. OKd a major in Californian as a Second Language, Dude.

B. Agreed to admit any high school student who can spell Cal State-Stanislaus and locate it on a map.

C. Approved a Cal State campus on the grounds of the old Camarillo State Hospital.