Bits ‘n’ Pieces

Chances are good that at least one holiday gift last week came out of the box broken. And chances also are pretty good that those nice folks at the store where you bought it aren’t nearly as solicitous now as they were two weeks ago.

Time to call in the big guns.

Ellen’s Poison Pen Inc. is a ghostwriter for hire specializing in aggressively putting across whatever point you need made, be it a complaint to a store or an argument with a lover.

Of course, hired guns don’t come cheap. Ellen’s Poison Pen charges $20 for every 100 words, and an additional $50 an hour for preparation and research time. The average letter, according to the firm’s Web site (https://www.ellenspoisonpen.com), runs about $175.

Those with more confidence can consult firm founder Ellen Phillips’ new book, “Shocked, Appalled, and Dismayed! How to Write Letters of Complaint That Get Results” (Vintage, $12), for tips on how to assault the barricades yourself.

But you have to wonder: If you buy the book, write a complaint letter and still get no response, can you hire Ellen’s Poison Pen to write to Ellen’s Poison Pen to get your money back?