Dryer-Lint Madonna: Warm Fuzzies

Lunatic Fringe Report: Where have all the marbles gone?

* A Los Angeles-based reincarnation expert claims that John Lennon was John Wilkes Booth in a past life and that he assassinated Abraham Lincoln to avenge the death of Julius Caesar, whom Lincoln had killed in a previous life as Brutus. Also, Marlon Brando was Pope Alexander VI in a past incarnation.

* A Michigan woman has created a sculpture of the Virgin Mary from laundry lint, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

* A British UFO expert says rival factions of space aliens are battling for control of Puerto Rico, which the U.S. government secretly gave away 40 years ago in exchange for extraterrestrial technology.

Lame Excuses, Part II: More stupid things said by minors when caught trying to buy booze without proper ID, as compiled by the Century Council:

* “My wallet fell into the casket just before it closed.”

* “I don’t carry ID. I’m a priest.”

Hoover Dam Sold Separately: Here at Section Golly Gee, one of our many missions is to make your life easier. So when we come across insider information, we are only too happy to pass it along. For example, we may have been too late to help you avoid the Furby craze, but we can tell you what 1999’s top Christmas toy will be: the Herbert Hoover action figure. No joke. It’s one of four fully poseable “Leaders of the World” characters now available in toy stores.

Our advice: Avoid the rush! Stock up before prices climb to $200 each and counterfeiters flood the market with inferior Hoover knockoffs.

Insect Espionage Bureau: A British scientist is working on a robot “insect” that can fly into buildings to surreptitiously snap photos and record conversations. According to the London Sunday Times, the device will have a 3-inch wingspan and use ultrasonic detectors to avoid crashing into objects.

Having It Both Ways Bureau: From a front-page Washington Post story on the president’s impeachment: “Democrats fought ferociously through the morning for a measure that would censure the president in scalding terms. Clinton’s behavior, they insisted, has been ‘reprehensible,’ ‘abhorrent,’ ‘immoral’ and more. Clinton, they argued, had abused the trust of the American people and degraded the presidency. Then, as the afternoon shadows came on, they climbed aboard buses and rode to the White House, where they stood behind Clinton as Vice President Gore extolled him. Clinton, said Gore, will ‘go down in history as one of our greatest presidents.’ ”

Horton Eats a Hat: A Canadian hat manufacturer is launching an ad campaign based on a testimonial letter from a Toronto zookeeper whose hat was swallowed by an elephant three times--yet emerged intact at the other end.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Hubby Stuffs Credit Cards Down His Shopaholic Wife’s Throat!” (Weekly World News)

And if they come out intact at the other end, we might have another weird ad campaign on our hands.

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News, Orange County Register, The Week, John Wilcock, Frederica Mathewes-Green. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.