El Toro as Party Talk? Plan to Try Some Punch

Nothing ruins a New Year’s party faster than two guests going at it, knocking over lamps and end tables and eventually bleeding all over the hardwood floor. Not even a post-fight handshake and an “It was all my fault” can undo the damage. Most likely, unnerved guests will begin looking for their coats and car keys, even if it is only 9:15.

Better to avoid scraps in the first place, eh?

Exactly. But in these contentious times, you can’t be sure what might set someone off and turn the party into a Jerry Springer show.

Yes, you’re always safe saying something like, “May I get you a pretzel?” Or, “This is amazing goat’s-cheese dip. Have you tried it?”

But you can only say stuff like that so many times, especially to the same guest. Eventually, you have to start talking about something. I can’t tell you what to talk about. But there are some subjects you should definitely not talk about if you’re at a New Year’s bash in Orange County.

Regardless of what side you’re on, do not bring up any of these subjects on your own. If someone else does, change the subject immediately, feign a coughing fit to divert attention or yell “Fire!” at the top of your lungs.

When you’re talking to strangers at a party, the idea is to break the ice, not form it. The following topics can form enough ice to sink two Titanics:

* An El Toro airport. You’d have to really be drunk or itching for a dust-up to go into a South County home and say, “I’m so tired of John Wayne Airport. The sooner they build an international airport down here, the better. I don’t even see why there’s any debate. Don’t you agree?”

* Smoking in bars. Lots of libertarian-minded people live here, and they don’t want government telling them not to smoke. Conversely, others view smokers as escaped jungle beasts. It’s best not to reveal your true intentions and, whatever you do, don’t say aloud, “Does anyone mind if I smoke?”

* Clinton-Lewinsky. This is also Civil War territory, and you can’t tell by looking how someone feels about it. In fact, I talked to a longtime friend two or three times a week before this story hit the news. After we tangled over the president’s behavior and punishment, we hardly ever talk. Coincidence? I think not. You’re taking your chances if you offer something like, “They should have thrown the dope out long ago.”

* Commercial development. Again, you often can’t spot a developer or environmentalist just by how they dress, although the former tend to have shorter hair. In certain communities (Huntington Beach and San Clemente come to mind), you could get in lots of trouble for saying excitedly, “Hey, I hear a new Wal-Mart is coming to town.”

* On a related subject, toll roads. In Laguna Beach, the mere mention of the topic can get you ejected from a party. But even in other places, sentiments run deeply on both sides. Better to avoid saying something like, “Those toll roads are so convenient. I wish we had twice as many.”

* Coots on the golf course. Thinking this is innocuous, you might let your guard down. The conversation could easily stray to golf and you’d say, “I don’t know why they don’t just get a bazooka and wipe out those coots. All they do is get in the way and leave their droppings on the greens.”

If you happen to say this to an animal lover, prepare to defend yourself, possibly with a five-iron. Eradicating the coot population has enraged animal-rights advocates, who tend to have a take-no-prisoners debate style. The only social group known to be more rigid are golfers with regular tee times.

Good luck. Carry this guide with you at all times this week. Follow it and you have an excellent chance of achieving what I want for all of you: A Happy New Year.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com