Talk Party to Me

Future scenario: You’re at an awards party, let’s say the Oscars, and the Academy Award for Best Performance by a Non-Gabber at a Party is about to be announced. Everyone looks your way.

Your palms get clammy. Your heart pounds. You slink behind the drapes. Finally, you open your mouth and the only thing that comes out is “Um.”

Clearly, you’ve got a case of the schmooze blues.

But breaking the ice at parties shouldn’t have to be so painstakingly awkward, says Leil Lowndes, a New York City-based consultant, lecturer and author of the forthcoming “Talking the Winner’s Way” (NTC/Contemporary, 1998).

“You just have to work a party like a politician works a room”--or in L.A., like an out-of-work actor would work agents at the buffet table--by displaying warmth and knowledge, being a good listener and doling out compliments. Lots of ‘em.

“Most of us, when invited to a party, waft into a fluffy thought process” that includes thinking about what to wear, how much fun the party is going to be, the food that will be served and if so-and-so is coming, says Lowndes, also the author of “How to Talk to Anybody About Anything.”

“That’s not the way a politician thinks about a party. While politicians, heavy-duty networkers, serious socializers and big winners in the business world are staring at the invitation,” they also are thinking about ways to create an instant rapport with guests.

They do their homework. They find out what kind of people will be at the party--doctors, lawyers, schoolteachers--and the issues that might be important to them. They read up on current events so they can chat knowledgeably as the topic jumps around.

At the party they listen and pick up on clues to the other person’s personality, always keeping in mind that person’s ego. And they file away details that can lead to other conversations.

That’s why they can party-babble with the best of them.

And so can you, says Lowndes, who also offers these techniques for breaking the ice:

* The big baby pivot

The idea here is to pretend that every adult you meet is a kid who has just come up to you. Why? Because you turn your whole body around to greet a child and you should pivot the same way when introduced to grown-ups. Throw yourself into that hello. Open yourself up. It sends out a subliminal message of “I like you and I welcome you.”

* To munch or mingle

Have you ever lived on a farm? Or had a dog or cat? Then you know you never disturb animals when they are eating. Likewise when a party guest is grazing. If you want people to approach you for conversation, then don’t hold food or a drink in your hands; they’re turnoffs.

* Body language

While you’re standing around, try to keep your palms open instead of clenched. Never close your arms in front of your chest or block your body in any way. Doing so sends out the message “don’t bother me, go away.” Don’t stand behind furniture.

Instead position yourself by the door where you can make more contacts for conversing. Keeping your body position open welcomes others. If the conversation is going well, lean forward, lock your eyes on the other person, nod and smile.

And here are a couple of body-language tips for guys: When a woman is talking, always nod. Women like this. You’re letting them know you understand what they’re saying; nodding doesn’t always means you agree. And keep your eyes stuck on her eyes at all times. Women also like this. If you have to look away, do it slowly.

Men also like for women to maintain eye contact with them during party conversation. Lowndes suggests that women try what she calls the “visual voyage” on men. You begin by looking at his eyes, then slowly look at his chest (guys find this appealing) and “then you give him a big smile,” says Lowndes, adding, “But never look beyond the belt.”

* Always wear a whatzit

A whatzit is anything that anybody might “ooooh and aaaah at,” Lowndes says. A unique piece of jewelry, cool eyeglasses, funny earrings or a silly necktie. “Wearing a whatzit gives anybody an excuse to approach you and start up a conversation.”

* Never the naked city or never the naked job

Because people always ask “What do you do for a living?” or “Where are you from?” Lowndes says to give tidbits of information along with your answer.” For instance, say, “I’m an artist for a designer and we’ve been working on our fall line,” or, “I’m from Washington, the city planned by the same man who planned Paris.”