When Consistency Is Key

“I want that! I want that!” The familiar refrain seems universal, coming from children who are bombarded with an overwhelming quantity of things to desire--and ask for from their parents.

And if one parent says no--many children know that all they have to do is ask the other. Take Junior, for example. He’s been raving about that cool super-duper laser blaster. Mom, who’s dead set against toy weapons, insists, “Over my dead body.” But Dad, who believes kids should be allowed one special toy that will keep them mesmerized, at least until the battery croaks, thinks Mom should lighten up.

Such a situation is just one example of why the consistency principle is so important for parents and guardians, say child-care professionals, developmental specialists and psychologists.

“Like consistency, cooperation and care, communication can’t be overemphasized,” said Stevanne Auerbach, director of the nonprofit Institute of Childhood Resources in San Francisco, which helps parents with parenting.

“First and foremost, parents have to be in accord and talk together, about routines, about rules, about values, about everything,” she said. “The kid should not be exposed to the conflict between parents. Conflict between parents only creates conflict in the child.”

In a variety of ways, consistency is crucial, particularly during children’s early years, experts agree, for unless conflict is minimized, they likely will become angry, insensitive adults.

“There’s so much inconsistency and craziness in the world, a child needs regularity and continuity to learn how to cope and how to assist in their own moral development,” said Beth Feldman, a clinical psychologist at Long Island Jewish Medical Center in New Hyde Park, N.Y. “You have to provide them with some basic rules they can live by,” said Feldman, who has two children, Louis, 4, and Molly, 1.

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Thomas and Jeanette LaMothe of Floral Park, N.Y., who have a teen daughter, say the key is dialogue. “Right from the outset, from the time we began dating, we discussed values and were pretty clear about what we wanted,” recalled Thomas, a Baptist minister.

Consistency about the family’s values is the aspect that probably matters most, but reinforcing routines such as brushing teeth is also important. The concept crosses the borders of the child-rearing landscape into other territories. Where, for example, there are siblings of different genders, experts say parents should be mindful of differences in the way they treat boys and girls.

Sure, conflicts of opinion and philosophy as well as approaches will surface between parents. They are a fact of life. Most of the experts said, however, that the key is not for parents to try to mirror each other but to come up with a unified game plan and never to devalue each other’s ideas.

Here, said Feldman, another big C comes into play in a major way--compromise. Her husband, for example, feels strongly about not having toy guns in their home. But instead of maintaining rigid positions, she said, they find a way to settle their differences. “We present a united front on the toy gun issue although I think it’s no big deal.”

Being consistent doesn’t imply rigidity. And despite the myriad areas and settings in which it’s desirable, she said, it doesn’t have to be a headache.

“I divide things into two basic categories--’big deal’ and ‘no big deal,’ Feldman said. “I tend to put as much as I can into the ‘no big deal’ category and be as consistent as possible on the ‘big deal’ things, such as following safety rules and not hurting people’s feelings.”

However, sometimes parental philosophies collide, making the adults feel their relationship is vulnerable and paving the way for the child to play one parent against the other.

Discipline, for instance, is an issue for Tureka Ray and Joseph Rehal of Ronkonkoma, N.Y.

Ray, 21, said she often resorts to a swift slap on the hand or rear end when daughter Jaelisa, 5, acts up to the point where nothing else has an impact. Her husband, Rehal, a probation officer in New York City, is against spanking. But, Ray said, “He’s not home all day with them.”

Rehal conceded: “Sometimes it’s easier to be in the office than at home.” He tends to let Mom be the disciplinarian, he said, because when he was growing up his mother always passed that job off on his father.

Most times, though, said Rehal, they manage to compromise.

The struggle to agree was a theme on the sitcom, “Mad About You,” earlier this season. Characters Paul (Paul Reiser) and Jamie (Helen Hunt) were at loggerheads about whether to let their crying infant, Mabel, fall asleep on her own. As their daughter’s wails--and the couple’s disagreement--continued, Jamie said, “It’s like we’re completely incompatible as parents.”

Agreement among parents and caregivers can be equally elusive. Darlene Cooper Greenidge of Freeport, N.Y., had to give a piece of her mind when the woman who was minding young Miles did not enforce the boy’s bedtime routine.

Greenidge, a domestic violence counselor, recalled that, as a result, Miles was too tired and cranky to enjoy a party the following day.

“I said to her, ‘If you are going to watch him, you have to abide by my rules.’ ” Otherwise, Greenidge said, her son won’t know either what to expect or what is expected of him.

Consistency often falls by the wayside when divorce places stepparents and significant others into children’s lives.

Hatti Hamlin of Orinda, Calif., divorced six years ago, has tried hard to reach an agreement with her ex-husband about putting their differences aside for the sake of Lisa, 12, and Steven, 7.

“We try to be consistent about moral values,” said Hamlin, whose understanding comes from personal experience--she was used as a pawn by her divorced parents. “In our house we put emphasis on not lying, and we teach the children it’s OK to do something wrong but the worst thing you can do is to lie about it.”

Hamlin, who manages the public relations division of an advertising agency, said she strives to be diplomatic when working with her husband and his new wife to make sure those values transfer to their household, since the children regularly spend time there. Routines as well as punishments--such as being banned from using the telephone--also carry over, “so there’s no way they can escape being punished by going there.”

When quarrels flare up between her and her ex, reminding herself that the kids are a priority helps keep things in perspective, she said. “When he pushes my buttons and my initial response is to get even, I always think that we have to put the children first.”

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Consistency pays the highest dividends in the developmental years, but it’s never too late to start applying structure and continuity, said Elaine Economopoulas, director of the Horizons Counseling and Education Center in Smithtown, N.Y. “If the structure is there, the child can make his own decision within that and learn the consequences. That’s a maturing process.”

As children get older, said child psychologist Gregory Smith, a professor at Dickinson College in Carlisle, Pa., parents and caregivers can react openly when disagreements surface because children in their teens can comprehend that differences aren’t disastrous. “But spouses still have to support each other; otherwise, the kid quickly learns which parent will most likely let them have their way,” Smith said.

Inconsistencies in the way boys and girls are raised is a subject of contention in many families.

Donna Remeika of Smithtown, for example, recalled how the rules were different for her and her twin brothers. One morning the toast popped up out of the toaster and one of her brothers, 14 at the time, just glared at the bread. “I asked him why he didn’t get the toast and he said, ‘I’m waiting for Mom.’ ”

With activities, there were different standards, too, Remeika said. The boys played ball and learned to play guitar but no effort was made for her to take up dance, an early passion of hers.

As mortal beings, Jeanette LaMothe, a day-care teacher, said parents are entitled to flip-flop occasionally. “At times I make U-turns, but she’s old enough now to figure it out,” she said of her 16-year-old daughter, Rachel.

Among other values, the LaMothes have tried to instill the importance of being on time and keeping appointments. Recently, however, Rachel, who just started her first job, stayed out late despite having a test the next day during her first class. She told her mother she didn’t know if she was going to make it to the test.

“I figured at this point she has to make the choices and deal with the consequences. When kids know what’s expected of them, they become a real functioning person, a happy person,” said LaMothe.