Off-Kilter
It’s in the Cards: Hallmark, the company that introduced a divorce card in 1958 and a “streaking” card in the 1970s, has a new innovation for the Age of Kevorkian: the suicide card. Designed to console people whose loved ones have taken their own lives, the suicide card is scheduled to hit stores in April. Are there really enough self-inflicted deaths for this to be profitable? We pray not.
If the Shoe Fits, Good Luck Wearing It: For several months now, we’ve been losing sleep over a growing national crisis--one that’s been mysteriously ignored by Congress, the media and most televangelists. Yes, we’re talking about Shoelace Syndrome, the sudden epidemic of laces that keep coming undone. Fortunately, the Wall Street Journal has broken the cloak of shame and silence surrounding this issue. Last week, the paper uncovered a vast worldwide conspiracy to replace traditional flat cotton laces with round, slippery polyester ones that constantly come untied. In other words, there’s nothing wrong with the way Americans tie their shoes. It’s the manufacturers’ fault.
Nike and other companies insist the switch was for cosmetic reasons because round laces “look cooler.” But the Journal extracted a smoking-gun confession from an Ohio shoelace maker: “It’s strictly economics. Polyester is a lot cheaper than cotton.”
Personally, we think a constitutional amendment is in order, one that would also force tennis shoe makers to stop using laces that are so ridiculously long. Even when we keep our knots from untying, we still end up tripping over the giant loops.
Scandal in the Wind: We realize you’re probably sick of hearing about President Clinton’s latest sexcapades, but trust us: Unlike the rest of the media, Off-Kilter knows how to handle this story in a mature and responsible manner. Thus, we begin with a report from the Weekly World News supermarket tabloid, which tells us that Clinton has a “secret plan” to make unwed Americans pay a sin tax on sex. People who live together would be charged for “estimated sexual activity,” based on age. For example, unmarried couples in their 20s and 30s would be taxed for four sex acts per week, people in their 40s for three acts a week, couples in their 50s for 1 1/2 acts and senior citizens would be exempt. “At a tax rate of $14 per sex act, the government can get nearly $3,000 a year from the average couple,” the story says. Of course, we have a better idea: Just tax Clinton’s sex life and the government will probably haul in the same amount of loot. Then again, he might insist that certain sex acts don’t count as taxable offenses.
Item No. 2 comes to us from comedian Argus Hamilton, who says his “affection for the adventures of Bill and Hillary began in 1985” when he performed in Little Rock, Ark. At that time, this joke was making the rounds: It seems that one night in the governor’s mansion, 5-year-old Chelsea came running into her parents’ bedroom saying, “Mommy, mommy. Will you please tell me a story?” A groggy Hillary turned on the light, looked at the clock and said, “Honey, it’s 3 a.m.” But little Chelsea was unperturbed: “I don’t care. I want you to tell me a story.” Hillary thought for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. Daddy should be home any minute now. Let’s wait up together and when he comes in, he’ll tell us both a story.”
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Buying a Used Casket Can Save You Big Bucks on Funerals! With a Little Air Freshener and Stain Remover They’re as Good as New!” (Weekly World News)
* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.
