Off-Kilter

McRoad Kill: West Virginia wants to bring new meaning to the term “meals on wheels.” A bill to legalize eating road kill is expected to pass the state Senate next week. “This is not a joke,” says Sen. Leonard Anderson, who estimates that his state has 40,000 animal-car collisions per year. He hopes that encouraging drivers to eat the creatures they accidentally run over will reduce the cost of having game wardens remove the carcasses.

Under current law, drivers can keep road kill only after they’ve contacted authorities, a process that “can take hours, and the meat is spoiled by then,” he says. “It’s a serious problem.”

St. Special Person’s Day: Striking a blow for religious freedom, the school board in Hillsborough, N.J., has decided that too many students persist in saying “St.” Valentine’s Day, so it has renamed the occasion Special Person Day. According to a report in First Things magazine, the board also rechristened Christmas as “December season” and banned classroom gifts because it considered gift-giving “a religious activity.”

Unscientific Surveys Department: Speaking of Special Person Day, last week we wrote about a survey showing that Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts are America’s most popular fantasy Valentines. We then asked why nobody ever does polls on which celebrities we’d least like to get Valentine flowers from. Thankfully, several readers submitted exemplary lists. Our favorites came from Katie Johnson of Zane Grey High School in Reseda and Bud Maxwell of the Yucca Valley chapter of the American Assn. of Retired Persons (proof that Off-Kilter appeals to demented minds of all ages). Their remarkably similar selections included Richard Simmons, Charles Manson, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kaczynski and Manuel Noriega for women and Ellen DeGeneres, Lorena Bobbitt, Roseanne, Leona Helmsley, Yoko Ono and Martha Stewart for guys.

“Picture this,” Johnson wrote. “Two dozen tulips on your desk and a card that reads, ‘I’d love to go have a bite with you sometime. Love, Marv Albert.’ ” To her credit, Johnson also chose RuPaul as the No. 1 most frightening celebrity Valentine--for men and women.

Weird Epitaphs Department: Today’s entry comes from Charles Downey, writing in the February issue of Kiwanis magazine. He says a headstone in Ruidoso, N.M., reads: “Here lies John Yeast. Pardon me for not rising.”

Would You Like Fries With That? The U.S. Olympic ski team won’t be eating any sushi in Nagano, Japan. Instead, every meal will be shipped from home. The official shopping list: 70 cases of mini pizzas, 50 pounds of raisins, 2,000 cartons of milk, 1,500 pieces of fruit, 495 pounds of carved meat and poultry, 400 pints of ice cream, 154 boxes of cereal, 144 loaves of bread, 138 jars of jam, 96 jars of peanut butter, 40 pounds of onions, 80 gallons of soup, 30 pounds of brown sugar, 80 pounds of Canadian bacon, 30 cases of burritos, 80 pounds of butter and 20 gallons of salad dressing--all donated by Healthy Choice.

Apparently, West Virginia’s Legislature acted too slowly to include fresh road kill on the menu.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Dad Forces Son to Cut Lawn With His Teeth!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Wireless Flash