Difficult Talk May Also Be the Most Important

We avoid it. We bury it. We duck it. We may even sugar-coat, shade or gloss over it.

What is it? A bad hair day? A reminder to make an appointment with your dentist? A January credit card statement with your December purchases on it?

No, it’s difficult talk.

We think communication is easy. We talk all the time. But when the going gets tough--that is, when we have a problem with someone or something they did--do we have an honest talk with that person?

Whether it is annoying behavior, something that was said that we don’t like or something that was done or not done, what do we do? Do we forthrightly talk with that person, express our concerns and try to understand that person’s perspective? Or do we avoid it?

Forthrightly talking about a concern with the person you believe caused a problem is not easy. It is not fun. But it is vitally important if we and our organizations are to be successful--if we are to fulfill our potential.

Imagine a situation in which Sharon and Brett are co-leaders on a project to avoid Year 2000 system problems. Despite the intensity of the project, Sharon and Brett have worked well together.

But today, Sharon is mad.

After a meeting, it is obvious to her that Brett has not been sharing information with her. As a result, she believes he has upstaged her in front of their boss.

Sharon almost expresses her concerns to Brett but decides not to. Yet she can’t help but continue to think about what happened, and her anger and frustration grow.

In fact, her anger builds to a point that, over the next several weeks, she has a hard time sitting in the same room as Brett, let alone coordinating work on the project. Conversations are minimal, and the primary mode of communication shifts to formal written memos.

The result: Critical work is missed and other work is duplicated. But worse, now Brett is upset with Sharon, and their ability to work together is further harmed.

Sharon and Brett’s relationship deteriorates further when Brett shares his concerns with colleagues and not Sharon. Sharon decides to talk to their boss and not to Brett. Both Sharon and Brett feel blindsided and betrayed.

Ugh!

Is this situation farfetched? Unfortunately, no. And as it progresses, careers and organizations are harmed. People who should and need to talk don’t. Colleagues are asked to act (and waste time) as intermediaries. Straightforward tasks become complex and aren’t done right.

Mistakes are inevitable. We all make them. They are opportunities to learn and grow--not only for the people making them but also for those they affect. Yet these same opportunities for development can also be a source of discomfort. And like an untreated disease, when we do not deal with the mistakes that concern us, even more difficult problems can grow.

Why does this happen?

One reason is that some people might decide a relationship is not worth the effort of having a difficult talk. Unfortunately, these people believe they can avoid working with that person in the future. But the reality is that relationships count, and we live in a world in which avoiding interactions is not always possible.

A flawed organizational culture, a culture that condones “shooting the messenger” or blaming others, also contributes to avoiding difficult talk. In this type of environment, we can easily develop a fear of getting “killed” if we deliver a difficult message.

On the other hand, we cannot and should not try to have a heart-to-heart talk with every person about every issue that concerns us. Many of our concerns are small, the type we can easily put behind us. The hard part is to honestly assess and identify those important issues we should deal with, those issues that might scar a relationship.

And part of this challenge is not rationalizing concerns or getting into the habit of simply labeling issues as unimportant in order to duck difficult talks. If you are still bothered by an issue after chalking it up as unimportant, that is a clue you should reconsider dealing with it.

Yet, how do problems get fixed if they are not known? How do we get better or help others grow if we do not forthrightly discuss our concerns? Let us have the courage and care to have the difficult talk.

Most important, how we deal with that difficult talk reflects and directly affects who we are and what we can be. Do we want to be trusted? Do we want to be respected? Is integrity important?

People count. Fulfilling our potential and our organization’s potential is important. And we need to care deeply enough to talk. Not only when it is easy, but also when the talk is difficult.

Life is a two-way street. We need each other to grow, to experience the richness of life, to fulfill our potential--in good times and when there are problems.

Let’s strive to not only walk the talk but also commit to talk when the talk is difficult.