Off-Kilter

Lunatic Fringe Department: A Canadian author who claims she speaks to leprechauns and elves says the pint-sized creatures want to form their own United Nations because they’re tired of the way humans run the planet. According to a report from the Wireless Flash news service, the leprechaun U.N. will ask humans to “stop using pesticides and lighten up and party more.”

We can live with that, but only if the diminutive U.N. guarantees no more TV commercials with that stupid Lucky Charms leprechaun. He’s magically annoying.

Fatal Confection: Our Valentine’s Day countdown continues with another syrupy sweet tale of romance. In “How to Murder Your Husband” (Kensington Books), homicidal chefs Ann Altman and Marilyn Gonzalez present a series of artery-clogging recipes designed to “get rid of those unwanted pounds--whether he weighs 150 or 250.” The lard-laden cookbook features such dishes as “Chili con carnage,” “Bury your little dictator with a Caesar salad,” “Sikh and destroy Indian food,” “Fettucine to kill Alfredo,” “Hen is mightier than the sword fried chicken” and--for dessert--a “Let him eat pound cake” made with six eggs, three sticks of butter and a cup of sour cream.

Divorcees Altman and Gonzalez, who between them have had five husbands, insist that “the best way to stop a man’s heart . . . is through his stomach.” Or, in legal terms: Revenge is sweet, but deep-fried is a better alibi.

Useless Polls Department: Our latest nominees for most ridiculous survey awards are:

* A Lanacane Itch Information Center survey that says Sheridan, Wyo., is the “itchiest city” in America, based on weather conditions that induce dry skin. Runners-up included Denver, Cheyenne, Wyo., Bismarck, N.D., and Omaha, Neb.

* A Venastat diet supplement study that says 25% of American women are “dissatisfied” with the size of their derrieres.

* A Scope mouthwash survey that labels Tom Brokaw the “least kissable TV journalist.”

A Rare Serious Note: Off-Kilter doesn’t like to get maudlin, but we were recently driving through Fullerton, idly wondering why we always refer to ourselves as “we” even though we are obviously just one person, when we noticed a striking sight. A woman in a wheelchair was sitting outside a retirement home waving at motorists and passersby. We couldn’t help but smile, and we couldn’t help but think she must possess a wonderful, joyful attitude toward life.

We were not alone. Last week, Marie Sacino, better known as the “Fullerton Greeter,” died at age 76. And when convalescent home officials rolled her empty, black-ribboned wheelchair outside to let the world know she was gone, the chair was soon deluged with flowers, notes and balloons from the drivers and schoolchildren who were touched by this New York-born grandmother’s seemingly small daily gesture. Honk if you miss Marie.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Eagle Snatches Chihuahua--When Dog Goes Out to Do His Business!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributor: Wireless Flash