From Lone Star to Lewinsky . . . by Way of the Valley

Dots! Dashes! One or two flashes!. . .

Yes, once again I feel summoned by the spirits of Herb Caen and Allan Malamud, late masters of the “three-dot” column. . .

“Items!” they say. “Give ‘em items! Quick takes, factoids, one-liners, maybe a little reader mail from grumpy Texans”. . .

But why now?. . .

Maybe it’s the new 20-screen Pacific Theatres cineplex that just opened 250 yards west of where I’m sitting? For some reason these three-dot columns always remind me of popcorn, if not dots. . .

Or maybe it’s the fragmentationist agenda of the Valleyistas, if fragmentationist is a word. . .

Or maybe it’s the quest of Greater L.A.’s high-tech industries to come up with a micro name for a macro idea: a sexy, techy regional moniker to rival the Silicon Valley and thus enhance local high-tech growth. . .

By the way, I have the answer to their nerdy prayers. Seriously. Just two words, but the right two words. If the Los Angeles New Media Roundtable really wants a coinage that’s distinctive and catchy and simple, I’m willing to sell it at the bargain-basement price of $25,000 per word. . .

A bargain, I tell you. How many millions was “Just do it” worth to Nike?. . .

Speaking of high-tech, that’s how Ross Perot got rich. But remember, high-tech didn’t make Texas Texas. Nope, Texas was made more by the likes of those cowboys now suing Oprah for exercising her 1st Amendment rights. . .

Transplanted Texans such as Susan Sahafi of Woodland Hills and John Wick of the 310 Area Code are the latest to dip into that old “Don’t mess with Texas” spirit. They are as prickly as cacti to my suggestion that the Lone Star State is in decline, as evidenced by the wimpy whining about Oprah and my own confusion of Gov. George W. Bush for brother Jeb . . .

“I think that you are just plain jealous that you aren’t a Texan,” Wick says. “. . . We have jurors smart enough to convict our killers, and then tough enough to enforce the maximum punishment fittin’ their crimes.”. . .

They do go on, their best defense being a good offense. Whatever . . .

A friend offers another theory for Texas’ decline, saying it has never been the same since Austin lawmakers finally outlawed the time-honored Texas practice of guzzling beer while operating a motor vehicle. Yep, those were the days . . .

Meanwhile, martial arts authority Jon K. Evans of Woodland Hills tells me that “Walker, Texas Ranger” isn’t a kung fu Texan, but rather a “tang soo do Texas Ranger” . . .

If only they’d known tang soo do at the Alamo . . .

But the eyes of the Valley are upon me, so let’s get provincial. Let’s get back to the San Fernando Valley and Monica Lewinsky, honorary Val. . .

Yes, first Newsweek’s seminal Monica story described her as sounding like a Valley Girl. And then New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd referred to the former Beverly Hills High student as a “Valley Girl”. . .

Her attorney may live in the Valley, her father may practice medicine here, but Monica is a product of the Westside and only a Val by reputation . . .

Ah, but still a proud moment for the Valley. More proof that Vals transcend mere geography. (If the Spice Girls can make a movie, how about “Val World”?) . . .

Given her honorary Val-ness, not to mention her taste for politics, I can’t help but wonder where Monica stands on the latest crisis for the Valleyistas. . .

I feel their pain. The Valleyistas say it isn’t fair that an obscure state law allows them only three months to collect signatures for a secession study, while the law allows groups in smaller cities six months. And, for a change, they’re right . . .

Then again, these same Valleyistas haven’t always proved themselves experts on fairness. For more than a year they pushed legislation that would have given Valley residents an exclusive say on the question of whether to divide L.A. Back then they pretty much argued that it wouldn’t be fair for people living south of Mulholland to have an equal vote on the matter . . .

Back to Monica. Usually I don’t quote complimentary mail, because criticism is much more interesting. I won’t make an exception here, but I’d like to note that my recent Lewinsky columns prompted a reaction that was unusually strong. Readers may recall that I posed this question: Assuming the worst of President Clinton, whom would you rather have as a friend--Clinton or Linda Tripp? . . .

Thanks to Gwen Bright of Tujunga, Diane L. Liberman of Granada Hills, James Alan Love of Sherman Oaks, Sam Brunstein of Glendale, Julia Ritner of Valencia, Jack Ramsey of Glendale, as well as sundry cyberspace residents P.A. Lombard, Anita Newton, Irving R. Warner, Carol A. Black and Robert Crosby for their kind responses. . .

Thanks also to Jennifer Bell of Sacramento and the mysterious TZARNO on the Prodigy system for the criticism. And even good ol’ Relentless Ron Yorke, formerly of Reseda, sent me a postcard sharing his views from Spokane . . .

But enough Lewinsky. . .

I know what you really want. You really want to know whether a sense of civic duty will prompt me to reveal the term I’m willing to sell for $25,000 a word, the banner that Southern California’s high-tech industry could unite behind, thus drawing attention away from the Santa Clara Valley . . .

Well, OK. But let me repeat that this is no joke, not like Megabyte City or Mo Betta Media . . .

It alludes to that semiconductor heaven in the colder, rainier north, thus shrewdly promoting this sunnier alternative. It rolls off the tongue with alliteration and a certain hip, jazzy rhythm . . .

Silicon South . . .

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to him at The Times’ Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311, or via e-mail at scott.harris@latimes.com Please include a phone number.