Dating Game Rejects

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we asked readers to share their “Un-Magic Moments” when they realized he / she was not The One. This they did and more.

More than 180 tales of romantic woe straight from their wounded hearts--some illustrated and three pages long despite a 100-word limit--stuffed our mailboxes.

Some stories were sad, some happy. One was even mature. But luckily for us, most were of the blaming / mocking variety that would qualify nicely for broadcast on “The Jerry Springer Show.” Unfortunately, the anonymous entries tended to be the most entertaining, but we can’t print them if you don’t sign them.

The entries, which clearly demonstrate that adults write the darndest things, reveal what will get you dumped pronto. Some common offenses for the heave-ho were: bad personal hygiene, snoring, stinginess on a date and leaving the toilet seat up.

Then there were the persnickety folks who couldn’t look past things like infidelity, a felony conviction, a second job as a prostitute or poor kissing technique.

Sometimes, you just can’t win.

The Winners (or Losers, You Decide)

MR. HANDYMAN

It was a blind date arranged by a mutual acquaintance. My date and I agreed to meet at Tony Roma’s for dinner. I did my hair and nails, and wore a nice outfit. He arrived in old jeans and a T-shirt that said, “Will Work for Sex.”

--Janna Gadden

Eagle Rock

MR. WHALE OF A SENSITIVE GUY

I met Mr. Sensitive at a restaurant for dinner. Cheerfully, he introduced me to the stuffed whale under his arm, “Kathleen, this is Mr. Whale.”

At the table, my date thrust the whale at me in a moment of openness. It was so old, its fake fur had congealed into matted tufts and the stuffing was falling out. As I handed Mr. Whale back, Mr. Sensitive said, “Maybe you could take Mr. Whale home and sew up his little flipper?”

That was it for me.

--Kathleen McGuinness

South Pasadena

MS. GREAT BALLS OF IRE

I went on a date with a very pretty girl. I was thinking that this was one of the girls that I was going to be with for a very long time. Well, we went to the movies, and all we bought were two sodas. She started putting paper in the straw and shooting people with balls of spit. Then and there, I knew that this girl wasn’t for me.

--Joe Montes

Los Angeles

MR. WELL READ

I think I probably felt I should look for someone a little more sophisticated when he opened the dinner conversation with: “Whatever you do, don’t order that soup du jour--I tried it once in Chicago and it was awful.”

--Susan Alch

West Hollywood

MR. FOOT IN HIS MOUTH

I knew it was over when he smiled sweetly and said, “So, tell me, how did you break your nose? I’ll bet that’s a good story.” I smiled equally sweetly and said, “I’ve never broken my nose.”

--Donna Judd

Fullerton

MS. PERSONALITY

During the late 1960s in my first year of community college, I joined a bedraggled fraternity and was dating a young lady from our equally underwhelming sister sorority. After five dates or so, things seemed to be going fairly well, until the night she decided I was ready to know her deepest feelings.

“You know, Randy,” she began, “I really like you a lot.” In as sweet and sincere a manner as possible, she continued: “Some girls think it’s important for a boy to be good-looking, but I don’t think so. I think it’s much better for him to have a good personality.”

The writing was on the wall.

--Randy Henderson

West Hollywood

MR. WEAKLING

My relationship with my boyfriend came to an end when I beat him in a wrestling match. I pinned his shoulders to the floor and teased him about not being very strong. He got mad and left in a huff. I guess he couldn’t handle it that I could handle him!

--Bonnie Bachman

Los Angeles

MS. SNAPPY

After a delightful lunch, the bill came. I was surprised when she attempted to pay and commented, “You must be a liberated woman.” She snapped back, “What do you mean by that?” Realizing I had touched a nerve, I responded that she was not confined by traditional gender roles. I asked what a liberated woman meant to her. She loudly announced, “It means, I don’t cook and I don’t clean!” Shocked that she would react so angrily to my innocent comments, I went with my first thought, “That’s my definition of a lazy slob.”

Relationship over!

--Richard Elliott

Long Beach

MS. POPULAR

How often do four guys realize that she’s not the one on the same night? The gorgeous cheerleader I had been dating for two months invited me to attend her birthday party. Imagine my surprise when three other guys showed up, all of them under the impression that they were her one and only date.

While boyfriends No. 1 and No. 2 were punching each other out on the front lawn, boyfriend No. 3 and I decided to get out of there fast! We ended up at a local bar commiserating over a beer.

--Frank J. Liess

Ventura

MR. VAN DUNDERHEAD

It was late afternoon, one warm, Southern California summer day when I knew my former love was not the one. While I was away at work, he decided to play a little basketball at a neighbor’s house. Not being able to locate the “street” basketball, he made the choice of taking my guarded, cherished, Nick Van Exel-autographed basketball and using it on an oil-stained driveway. I knew he could never be the one.

--Elaine Romero

Riverside

MR. SHORT CLOWN

After 10 years of marriage, my first single venture was to join a square dance club. There I met Mr. Smooth. We became “Don and Donna the Dancing Duo.” We went dancing several times a week. His mother made us matching outfits. He promised a special surprise for the annual costume ball.

He came dressed as a 3-foot-tall clown--his lower legs strapped to his thighs, and shoes on his knees. One squirt from his lapel flower and I knew!

--La Donna Draper

Hawthorne

MS. SIZE 40-SHADOWING

Before I finally found my true love of 55 great years, I was much infatuated with a buxom, blue-eyed blond. She had a babyish little voice and giggle, which I thought were really cute. I seriously considered proposing to her. The first time I visited her home, I met her mother. They looked very much alike and had the same cute little voice and giggle . . . but . . . her mother was 40--and about size 40! An old saying floated through my mind: “Coming events cast their shadows before them.”

--Walt Hopmans

Santa Barbara

MR. SHOWOFF

My best friend and her boyfriend conned me into a double date with his brother. I was pleasantly surprised when they introduced me to this 6-foot-4 blond, blue-eyed hunk, wearing Armani, Gucci and Rolex. He handed me a single red rose as he helped me into the back seat for the 90-minute drive to San Diego. As I was congratulating myself on my good luck, we turned onto the freeway and he began reading billboards--out loud--and he read billboards for the entire trip down and back.

Never saw him again.

--Nancy McGuire

South Pasadena

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* Compare notes with others on your own “Un-Magic Moment” dates in a discussion on The Times’ Web site. Go to: https://www.latimes.com/dates

* DREAM LOVERS: Visions of old boyfriends and perfect women visit readers in their sleep. E8