Off-Kilter

Back-to-the-Drawing-Board Department: Iowa legislators thought they had devised an ideal way to crack down on prostitution at highway rest stops: They wrote a bill to outlaw sexual contact at public facilities. Now they’re reconsidering, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. It seems the lawmakers forgot that the governor’s mansion is also a public facility, which means that Gov. Terry Branstad and his wife would face up to a year in jail for every time they have sex.

Inane Polls Department: Our friends at Wireless Flash News Service seem to have an endless supply of weird surveys, which we are only too happy to pass along. This week’s oddballs:

* An Idaho Potato Commission study revealed that a shocking 39% of Americans think Idaho potatoes can be grown anywhere on the planet.

* A CIBA Vision contact lenses survey asked people what they first want to see when they wake up in the morning. In France, the land of romance, 40% said they want to open their eyes and gaze longingly at . . . their clocks. Germany was better: 40% said the first thing they want to see is their lover’s face. In the U.S., 25% want to see their partner, but 5% are happy just to see their room and 3% prefer either a mirror or a light switch.

* A survey released by a traveling Vatican angel art exhibit found that 41% of Americans rank “Touched by an Angel” as their favorite angel TV show, but 8% prefer “Charlie’s Angels.”

A Sex Scandal That’s Out of This World: We can’t even believe that Kenneth Starr and the rest of the media missed this, but according to UFO expert Terry Johnson, space aliens have been abducting Bill and Hillary Clinton for 15 years and forcing them to take part in an extraterrestrial breeding program.

It’s unclear how the latest revelations might affect Clinton’s standing in the polls. Having sex with an intern is one thing, but a space creature? That’s horror film stuff. Then again, all the incidents were perfectly legal. The aliens apparently conducted the breeding program at a roadside rest area in Iowa.

Bumper Sticker of the Day “Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.”

The Age Game: Making the rounds on the Internet lately is a math puzzle that apparently works only in 1998. Pick the number of days per week that you would like to go out. Multiply that by two, then add five, then multiply the sum by 50. If you’ve already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If not, add 1747. Then subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You should have a three-digit number in which the first digit is the original number you picked and the last two are your age.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Woman Eaten Alive By Her Houseplants!” (Weekly World News)

Sounds like a “Little Shop of Horrors” sequel. Actually, this issue of WWN is so full of bizarre fatalities that we feel compelled to mention two other featured stories. An alleged report from India says impoverished farmers are committing suicide “so they can be reincarnated into a better life.” And a tale out of Atlanta claims a veteran garbage man was recently laid to rest in an unusual coffin: a rusty green Dumpster. The minister who led the funeral explained the man’s choice: “His life was garbage.”

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* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributor: Wireless Flash