Off-Kilter
P.O. Box Beelzebub: Does Satan get letters from kids? Of course, he does, says the wacky Weekly World News. The tabloid recently printed a few missives on file at the post office, which is apparently unable to deliver mail to “Hell.”
* Dear Devil: Can you wag your tail? Or does it just hang there?
* Dear Devil: When is hell going to freeze over? I’m getting a new baby brother then.
* Dear Mr. Devil: Please help me. My mommy is sick and God isn’t making her any better. If I have to sell my soul, I will because I don’t want her to die.
We don’t mind giving the devil his postage due, but in fairness to the other side, we should also note that the same issue of WWN carried this headline: “Hey, Gals! Religion Makes Sex Better, Says Shocking New Study.”
Hasta la Vista, Jerry: Speculation is running rampant about what will happen in the final episode of “Seinfeld.” In Pennsylvania, the Allentown Morning Call is printing reader forecasts on its Web site. The supermarket tabloid Star claims Jerry wants everyone to die from food poisoning. And TV’s “Hard Copy” actually brought on psychics to predict the finale. One clairvoyant foresaw a wedding, and another told “Hard Copy” that the last scene would find the gang “in the diner discussing an invitation that Kramer has received from Dr. Richard Seed, the new cloning king.” Here are some other possible plots (readers are welcome to send more):
* Premiere Radio, a joke service for deejays, offers three scenarios: Newman goes postal; Jerry and friends join a suicide cult (with Jerry supplying the sneakers); or Baboo returns from Pakistan to avenge “the very bad man.”
* Zack Taylor predicts Jerry will wind up in bed with Ellen.
* Thornton L. Pitcher Jr., an Allentown reader, imagines Elaine being sent to the Middle East to find new items for the Peterman catalog, but instead, she’s captured by white slavers and sold to the sultan of Bahrain. Luckily, her “unique dancing style” makes her the favorite of the sultan’s 17 wives.
Mistaken Identity Department: A recent Modesto Bee article about the difficulty of removing gang tattoos included an interview with a man named Alma Valdovinos.
Unfortunately for the Bee, the front-page story required an embarrassing correction: Valdovinos is a woman. “The reporter just made some assumptions based on appearance,” explained Editor Mark Vasche in an interview with the Washington Post. The woman had “real short hair [and] masculine clothing.” Vasche called the error inexcusable but said the young woman “was pretty good about the whole thing.”
As for the rookie reporter, he’s no longer with the Bee.
Fish Story: A recent Off-K item about Hammacher Schlemmer’s $1,599 news rack aquarium joked that the tank might not be made from an authentic newspaper box because the coin slot said the most expensive edition was Saturday, not Sunday. A reader has since advised us that Canadian newspapers often publish their big editions on Saturdays. So we called the catalog’s aquarium supplier and, sure enough, the thing was built by a company that manufactures 80% of the news racks in the U.S. and Canada.
The rookie reporter who caused us to make this error has been transferred to the Modesto Bee.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Islamic ‘Howard Stern’ Driving Saddam Crazy!” (Weekly World News)
* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.