U.S. Dream Team Earns Gold in Underachieving

Given one final chance for redemption, the United States men’s hockey team fell on its (STICK SAVE, HASEK!) and was rudely dismissed by a (ADJECTIVE BLOCKED BY HASEK!) Czech Republic team that thoroughly (VERB KNOCKED AWAY BY HASEK!) the Americans, leaving Ron Wilson’s team up the (MOLDY CLICHE KICKED AWAY BY HASEK! AND NOT ONE SECOND TOO SOON!).

Do you believe in national humiliation?

Dream Team USA, supposedly the finest collection of pucksters ever gathered and outfitted in stars and stripes, are out of the Olympic hockey tournament.

A hockey team with Brett Hull, Chris Chelios, Mike Modano, John LeClair, Pat LaFontaine, Brian Leetch, Tony Amonte, Mike Richter, Guy Hebert and John Vanbiesbrouck went 1-3, four and out--same as the never-had-a-chance American soccer team in the 1994 World Cup.

That final final score again:

Czech Republic 4, Choke Republic 1.

A familiar face behind a haphazard bird cage, Buffalo Sabre goaltender Dominik Hasek, stamped the exit visas, absorbing more shots than a biathlon shooting station.

Hasek was the Great Wall of Nagano, flicking aside everything the American all-stars pumped at him, stopping 38 of 39 shots in all.

In the hockey vernacular, Hasek was “standing on his head.”

(Or was that Chelios at that karaoke bar at 4:30 the other morning?)

So the Czechs and Finns are in the hockey Final Four and the Americans and the Swedes are going home. At least Ulf Samuelsson has a choice of airlines now.

Teemu Selanne has carried Teamu Finlandia the way he usually carries the Ducks, banging in vital goals in between sending home postcards that read:

“Dear Paul.

“Love this big ice.

“Wish you were here.”

Selanne might have been a contender for MVP of Nagano if Hermann Maier hadn’t already packed it up and shipped it home to Flachau, Austria.

Maier has not laid a single brick since side-swiping Karamatsu last Friday in the men’s downhill.

He won the men’s super-G on Monday, switched camps, switched disciplines and then beat world champion Michael Von Gruenigen of Switzerland and Alberto Tomba for the men’s giant slalom gold medal.

Since 1980, only two male Alpine skiers have matched Maier’s double-gold performance in Nagano--Germany’s Markus Wasmeier (giant slalom and super-G) in 1994 and Tomba (slalom and giant slalom) in 1988.

Tomba crashed in the first run of Thursday’s giant slalom, but will get a last chance at a sixth Olympic medal in Saturday men’s slalom, snow gods permitting.

The other half of Thursday’s Alpine doubleheader--women’s slalom--was won by Hilde Gerg of Germany in an upset over Deborah Compagnoni of Italy.

Kristina Koznick, the United States’s best medal hope in this event, was ninth after the first run and eliminated for missing a gate in the second.

Julie Parisien, in 13th place, was ultimately the top American finisher.

Final note to Dream Team USA, suddenly finding itself with so much time to kill in between Kirin chug-a-lugs:

Many tickets to women’s figure skating still available for the scalping.

As expected, Michelle Kwan and Tara Lipinski skated off to a 1-2 finish in the short program standings, blowing away a clumsy international field still waiting for someone to stand up without immediately falling back down and declaring, “I am third.”

Unless Nicole Bobek made a last-minute change and improvised a one-woman tribute to the U.S. men’s hockey team, her short program was the saddest of these Olympics. Expected to challenge for the bronze, Bobek blew or failed to attempt all four of her scheduled jumps on legs so jittery, her knocking knees sounded like clapskates.

Bobek broke down in tears when her required-element scores were flashed across the White Ring scoreboard: 4.3, 4.4, 4.2, 4.6, 4.3, 4.7, 4.5, 4.5, 4.3.

Yet 11 skaters still finished the night behind Bobek in the standings. Bobek was 17th of 28 skaters, ahead of a lot of stumbling, tumbling Hungarians, Bulgarians and South Africans.

Is there a bronze medalist in the house?

Is it too late to suit up Pasha Grishuk for singles?

Kristi Yamaguchi has been spotted in Nagano. Any chance of getting her a wild card into Friday’s long program?