Punch Lines

Star Trek: The Voyager I spacecraft, now 6.5 billion miles from Earth, has become the most traveled man-made object ever. “When asked what the objective of the Voyager mission is, NASA said, ‘To get as far away as possible from Michael Bolton.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Picture Perfect: For this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, 160,000 photographs were taken, but only the best 72 made it into the magazine. “Think of it as like your parent’s vacation photo album, only in reverse.” (Steve Voldseth)

Space Jam: NASA says the international space station will cost $3.6 billion more than originally budgeted. “Wouldn’t it be better to spend that on developing a noiseless leaf blower?” (Earl Hochman)

No Windows: Experts are still fretting over the “Year 2000 glitch,” in which computers will think 2000 is 1900 and cause havoc. “The glitch was originally called the ‘Year 2000 Problem,’ but that term also describes the potential Al Gore-Dan Quayle presidential race.” (Olympia Daily World)

Iraq ‘n’ Roll: Will the U.S. decide to bomb Baghdad or will we wait for diplomacy to work? President Clinton said he will stand by his principles. “So it could go either way.” (Argus Hamilton)

Washington Rewrite: “On Presidents Day, Clinton told a revised version of the tale about George Washington cutting down a cherry tree. He had Washington say, ‘I cannot tell a lie--because you might be wearing a wire.’ ” (Bill Maher)

Olympic Update: “More controversy in the pairs skating this week when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.” (Axel Kyster)

R.I.P.: “To mourn the death of sportscaster Harry Caray, Marv Albert will be wearing women’s black underwear all week.” (Mark Efman)

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The Veg-o-Matic’d David Letterman:

Top 10 signs the figure skating judges won’t give you a perfect 6.0 . . .

10. Judges can’t tell the difference between you and the Zamboni.

4. You perform to the theme from “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

3. You cut your routine short because you have to return your rental skates.

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