Breaking Out of Hussein’s Asylum

Saddam Hussein is like the weather. Everybody talks about him, but nobody does anything about him.

It seems that the CIA tried to do something, back in ‘95--and all it got for its trouble was a wrist-slap from the FBI. Apparently bumping off foreign dictators is a no-no, especially if anybody finds out about it. The agents responsible were hauled back to Washington and investigated for murder, which must have made them pretty cheesed off when they saw the way people lionized Colin Powell. Ultimately the agents were exonerated, given awards and told to go home and take a nap. This is not the CIA I know.

Actually the whole thing sounded like a pretty lame operation. The head operative, code-named “Bob” (gee, how’d they ever come up with that one?), didn’t even try to get next to Saddam himself. He just stirred up some other people, mostly Kurds, with grudges against Saddam who were going to blow up his motorcade while it was going over a bridge. But they got cold feet and the whole thing was called off. These guys wouldn’t last a New York minute in Northern Ireland.

Now everybody’s all worked up about these off-limits presidential compounds where Saddam supposedly has been stockpiling “weapons of mass destruction” (the naming boys were at the top of their game when they turned that phrase). And it looks like we’re gonna have ourselves a nice little war. In the Mideast, for a change.

Kinda makes you wonder, though, where those weapons that Saddam’s playing three-card monte with originated in the first place. I don’t remember seeing anything like that in “Lawrence of Arabia.” Isn’t the United States the biggest arms dealer in the world? And didn’t Iraq used to be our ally in the fight against that other Mideastern boogeyman, the one who was so P.O.’d about boring motor-mouth novelist and world-class sponger Salman Rushdie?

Not that I have anything against sending 6,000 additional troops to work off their testosterone by test-driving new high-tech weapons in the Gulf or anything, but if it’s Saddam who’s causing all the trouble, isn’t it possible that Bob of the CIA had the right idea, even if he got hold of the wrong end of the stick?

C’mon guys, let’s huddle. I’m sure with all of the brainpower in Washington, we can come up with something. We all know President Clinton has modeled himself after JFK in more ways than one. Well, I have here in my hand a 1962 U.S. Army memorandum written as part of Operation Mongoose, the code name for the Kennedy administration’s effort to eliminate Cuban leader Fidel Castro by, among other things, poisoning his beard. Let’s read and learn.

The memo is titled “Possible Actions to Provoke, Harass or Disrupt Cuba.” My favorite section falls under the subhead “Operation Good Times.” I reprint it verbatim:

“Objective: To disillusion the Cuban population with the Castro image by distribution of fake photographic material. Concept: Prepare a photograph that depicts a scene such as an obese Castro with two beauties in any situation desired, ostensibly within a lavishly furnished room in the Castro residence, a table brimming over with the most delectable Cuban food, with an underlying caption (appropriately Cuban) such as, ‘My ration is different.’ Make as many prints as desired and then distribute them over the countryside by airdrops or agents.”

And this was before computer graphics! Imagine what those guys who put the computer-generated passengers on the deck of the Titanic for James Cameron could do with Saddam Hussein and “two beauties in any situation desired.”

After perusing this inspiring document, I’d like to propose some get-tough tactics that today’s wimped-out, touchy-feely CIA just might want to try:

OPERATION NAME CHANGE

Concept: Persuade Saddam Hussein that he has been operating at a disadvantage ever since he was christened or whatever they do instead of christening in Muslim countries. The name “Saddam” sounds like “Sodom,” especially when ex-President Bush says it, and carries a negative connotation that is bound to reflect poorly on anyone forced to answer to it, plus he’ll really get teased a lot by the other kids in grade school. Prepare a list of alternative names and require Saddam to chose one. Some suggestions: Tony, Fred, Kevin, Shaq, Muffy. (I think we can get U.N. Secretary-General Annan to go along with this, provided we include his first name, Kofi, as a listed option.) Suggest we avoid “Bob” as it might cause confusion.

OPERATION KNEEPADS

Concept: Airdrop Monica Lewinsky into one of the eight off-limits presidential sites banned to U.N. weapons inspectors. Her proven ability to penetrate the inner sanctums of powerful leaders and remain in them for 20 to 40 minutes should stand her in good stead. She can supply critical information on the exact location of weapons of mass destruction, provided, of course, that she agrees to wear a wire. She may well be able to lure Saddam into a potentially compromising position (see “Operation Good Times” above).

OPERATION MOUSEHUNT

Concept: Saddam obviously had a dysfunctional childhood, resulting in a neurotic need to be noticed. Well, if you really want to be noticed, you don’t stay in the middle of a big pile of sand that’s about to be bombed to kingdom come, no matter how much oil there might be under it. You go to Hollywood. Arrange for Saddam to be offered a job at DreamWorks. President Clinton has accused him of lying and going back on his word. In Hollywood, that’s a breakfast meeting. Saddam’s highhanded insistence on getting his own way should make him a valuable negotiator. And he can’t possibly green-light any movies that would be worse than the features DreamWorks has already released. I ask you, “The Peacemaker”? Hope director Mimi Leder feels good about driving another nail into the coffin of George “Batman” Clooney’s movie career. If Saddam plays his cards right, he might end up as a more successful Dodi Fayed. I hear Fergie isn’t dating anyone seriously right now.

cc: Bob@US.CIA.gov