Hey, DV, Gimme Some QT!

A memory, only somewhat distorted, of the loud, irritating, self-absorbed blowhard Dick Vitale joining Brent Musburger in covering Sunday’s UCLA-Duke basketball game for ABC Sports.

Dick: UCLA against Duke. I been waitin’ for dis all week, babeeeeee! What a classic matchup! What great schools, what great tradition! And speakin’ a Duke’s tradition, d’duke wit d’most tradition in my book was d’Duke of Windsor. He’s one a my RDs, royal dandies. I know what everybody’s thinkin’--Dick Vitale, you’re talkin’ about British royalty? But whatta great little guy! And whatta fine gentleman! I really do believe dat if he’d been born in America in another time witta’ different body and athletic ability, he’d a been a fine point guard. I know, you’re lookin’ at me like I’m crazy, Mr. Musburger. You didn’t know I was such a historian, huh? But I really do mean dat. He came up in such a period of chaos, d’little guy, and still gave it everything he had. He and his lady, Wallace Simpson. Whatta great job she did! And isn’t dat Rasheed Wallace doin’ a job in the NBA?

Brent: As Toby Bailey misses the short jumper.

Dick: Duke’s got so many guns, Brent. So many guns! Oh, looka dat Wojciechowski! He can flat-out play, dis kid! Y’know, I love dis team’s Polish names, Wojciechowski, Domzalski, coach Mike Krzyzewski. And speakin’ a Polish names, didn’t d’Poles do some job during World War II? Outmanned and outgunned like UCLA, but never gave up, babeeeeee! That’s why dey head my EENGs, Eastern European Nations with Grit. I’d like UCLA to show some a d’same intensity.

Brent: And Langdon again for three.

Dick: Oh, looka dat hair! Looka dat hair! Looka dat hair on Elton Brand! I would love to have some a dat hair! Do I wish I had hair like dat! Wouldn’t I look great wit hair like dat? Wouldn’t I? Wouldn’t I? And speakin’ a hair, whatta great musical dat was. “Hair.” D’Age of Aquarius. D’Vietnam draft and all dat, babeeeeee! I love it! But I do firmly believe dis year’s NBA draft. . . .

Brent: That’s two fouls on Henderson.

Dick: And UCLA needs him. Dey need d’big fellahhhhhh. Just like we need President Clinton. He’s our big fellahhhhhh. Hey, willya let up on dis guy? He’s sayin’, “Hey, Dick Vitale, tell ‘em t’let up on meeeeeee! All I need is a little PT, playin’ time. Let me have a little playin’ time, babeeeeee!” Y’know what I like about dis guy, Brent? He’s got a scorer’s mentality. And I firmly believe dat George Bush would have been just as successful in dat area. All he needed was a little more PT, playin’ time, babeeeeee!

Brent: The little scoop shot widens the gap to 11.

Dick: What I like about Mike Krzyzewski’s club is his bench. Everybody he sends in does d’job. And speakin’ a comin’ off d’bench to do a job, whatta job by dat Kofi Annan. I mean, to go in and do what he did! I know what you’re thinkin’, Brent. “What’s Dick Vitale doin’ talkin about d’U.N. secretary-general?” I’m gettin’ to be an intellectual, babeeeeee! “Hey, Dick Vitale,” Kofi Annan’s sayin’, “look what I did over dere in Iraq. I stood up to d’big boys. I’m wheelin’ and dealin’, babeeeeee. How about makin’ me one a your DVGLDs, Dick Vitale’s Great Little Diplomats?” Hey, you got it, babeeeeee! Dey all said you couldn’t do it, Kofi. But, Brent, dey didn’t count on d’little guy’s heart. You’re definitely a DVGLD, Kofi Annan. And speakin’ a DVGLDs, how about dat little Madeleine Albright? Is she sumpin or what? Great desire, great work ethic. “Hey, Madam Secretary,” Saddam’s sayin’, “I’m ready for whatever y’got. I’m just like d’Blue Devils. I can execute defensively.” And she’s sayin’, “I’m like Duke, too, Mr. Saddam Hussein, ‘cause I got me some long-range bombers.” And what about her goin’ t’campus after campus, hittin’ d’road like dat? Whatta class act! D’Bruins are sayin’, “Hey, Madam Secretary, we’re on d’road, too. But you’re doin’ better’n we are!”

Brent: The steal and the layup, as this could be a blowout.

Dick: I do firmly believe, Brent, d’Bruins woulda been more competitive if dey had Jelani McCoy. Whatta player d’big guy is. Y’know d’McCoy I love is McCoy on “Law & Order.” And whatta job wit dat series by producer Dick Wolf. And whatta job by d’North Carolina State Wolfpack. Y’know, Brent, I really do believe d’Wolfpack’s upset of North Carolina. . . .

Brent: Here comes the double team.

Dick: Look at d’way d’Blue Devils are standin’ in dere and takin’ d’charge, givin’ up dere bodies like dat. “Hey, Dick Vitale,” dere sayin’, “we’re gonna have some bruises tomorrow, babeeeeee.” And speakin’ a stands, did dat General Custer take a stand or what? Whatta fighter! No quit in him, babeeeeee! I do firmly believe dat if he’d been a little less of a showboat, things woulda turned out different. And speaking of showboats, I really believe d’Bruins’ great freshman, Baron Davis, will have t’learn t’play within himself before he’s one a my DDs, diaper dandies, babeeeeee.

Brent: And another three for Wojciechowski.

Dick: Tickles the twine, babeeeeee! Looka d’little guy! Looka d’little fellahhhhhh! He’s sayin’, “Hey, Dick Vitale, I can hit d’three, too!” Is he sumpin? Is dis little guy sumpin? If he plays in the second half like he’s playin’ in d’first. . . .

Brent: The second half started five minutes ago, Dick.

Dick: Oh? Speakin’ of five, I really do believe d’Lakers’ starting five. . . .