Psychologist Teaches Working Mothers to Control the Ride During Guilt Trips

OK, fess up are you feeling guilty about something?

If you’re a working mother, chances are the answer is yes. Guilt is an occupational hazard in both of your jobs, the one you do at work and the one you do at home.

But it turns out that guilt is underrated. Just ask Manhattan Beach psychologist Muriel S. Savikas. She titled her recently published book “Guilt Is Good! What Working Moms Need to Know.”

Savikas understands your skepticism. But don’t feel guilty about that--she sees it all the time.

“We associate guilt with being a negative emotion,” said Savikas, a child psychologist and professional mediator in divorce and child custody disputes. “When we’re at work, we’re worrying about something at home, and when we’re at home, we’re worrying about a project at work.

“When we feel guilty, we project a lot of negative energy, and it lands right on our kids. Learning to turn guilt into a positive is a way to raise healthy children.”

So how do working moms pull this off? Or is mishandling your guilt just another thing to feel guilty about? (Working dads, don’t feel left out. Savikas said women are the focus of the book because men are expected to work and, therefore, feel less guilty.)

The key, Savikas says, is to identify your feelings so you can recognize your guilt and not confuse it with some other emotion. Then pay attention to it.

Savikas is not telling us that we shouldn’t feel guilty. She’s telling us to use those guilty feelings to become better parents.

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Savikas’ book uses a series of exercises and tip boxes to help moms twist guilt to their advantage. Most revolve around recognizing what causes your guilt and how to use positive messages to turn it into a catalyst for action.

“You need to say, ‘Yes, I feel guilty, but this is a good thing because it’s out in front of me now and I can act on it,’ ” Savikas said. “When you sweep it under the rug, you end up with a big wad of guilt.”

Watch out for the “guilt that scolds”--those shrill messages to yourself that say, “How could you?” and “That was the worst . . . “

Good guilt is the “guilt that coaches”--telling you, “Don’t forget” or “Be ready” or “I thought you were going to rest.”

“We have to become our own coach, because [that] is the most positive way of dealing with guilt,” Savikas said.

She suggests writing about guilt feelings in a journal and repeating affirmations (an example: “Today I will forgive that I am not the perfect parent”) to counteract negative messages. The book also includes tips for managing stress, building a support network and adapting your job to your life and your life to your job.

But above all, Savikas reassures that by working you are not ruining your kids. In fact, she said, you are teaching them to adapt to the real world.

“If we don’t teach our children how to deal with imperfections or mistakes, they’re not going to have the tools to do it on their own,” Savikas said. “They need to learn that they don’t have to be perfect.”

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Summer is a tricky time for working moms because many fret about not being home with the children or not providing the leisurely, play-filled summer that parents think they remember from their own childhoods.

Savikas has some summertime suggestions:

* Plan a special event. It doesn’t have to be expensive or even last all day, but it should be a fun activity. Start talking about it on Monday and instead of guilt you’ll feel anticipation.

* Have each person list fun things the family could do. You don’t have to do them all, but simply making the list creates excitement. It also gives you an idea of some of the surprising things your family would like to do.

* Take a mental health day. Take advantage of flextime, if you have it, to take off all or part of a day to be with your family.

* For the electronically inclined, e-mail your children or build a Web page recounting the fun things you did.

* Share playtime achievements. Have each child give a report about what he did at summer camp this week or what she learned in swimming lessons.

* Bring the kids to work from time to time. This helps the child visualize where you are all day and who you work with.

Savikas also has set up a Web site called Parenting 101 (https://www.parenting101.com), which she calls a work in progress that she wants to turn into a “national center for parents” to turn to for help.

To order “Guilt Is Good” ($14.95 plus $4 shipping and handling), write Parenting 101, P.O. Box 3575, Manhattan Beach, CA 90266, or call (888) 464-7171.

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