Off-Killter
Underwear for the 21st Century: For years, bra scientists have labored to develop the perfect brassiere. Driven by a selfless desire to help mankind, these scientists spend long hours studying complex physics equations, space-age fabrics and lots of half-undressed women. It’s a thankless task, but in recent years, their efforts have produced such innovations as the inflatable bra, the Wonderbra and the glow-in-the-dark phosphorescent bra.
Now, from VMM Enterprises in Florida, comes yet another bra breakthrough--the It’s All You bra--which uses “suspension-bridge technology” to “retrain bust tissue” and increase comfort. The $70 device’s support system includes four to six hooks on the back and cups within cups in the front. Founder Victoria Morton jokingly refers to the extras as “good news for women, bad news for construction workers.”
She also says VMM recently did a survey in which 75% of American women said they would increase their bust size “even if there wasn’t a man on the planet.”
Millennium Man: Nominations are in for “the greatest person of the last 1,000 years.” And the winner, according to a survey by Patriotic Education Inc., is George Washington, alleged first president of the United States (as documented in a recent Off-Kilter). Finalists included Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther, Albert Einstein and Ronald Reagan. Other popular choices included Bob Hope, Billy Graham, Davy Crockett, Joan of Arc and Bill Gates.
Make no mistake, we think all of those people are fine human beings. But let’s get real. The winner should be actor Max Baer Jr., also known as Jethro Bodine of “The Beverly Hillbillies,” who has announced plans to build a massive casino in Reno that is a replica of the Clampetts’ Beverly Hills mansion and features a 246-foot-high oil derrick with an 80-foot flame, waitresses who wear cutoff jeans like Elly May Clampett and a dance revue starring showgirls dressed like Granny.
Dead Letter Bin: Here’s the latest batch of insights from readers.
* In response to our item on the problems of being invisible, Larry Smith adds that a truly invisible person would also be blind because “in order for humans to see, light must be absorbed by the retina,” which means it wouldn’t pass completely through the invisible body and would thus create tiny shadows that are visible to others. Well, gee, Larry, if you want to get technical. . . .
* Our report on the San Diego Zoo’s $28 tour that allows visitors to taste animal food inspired reader Heather Bradshaw to offer a competing tour. “We are charging $10 for people to come into our house, eat half a can of Alpo and a Milk-Bone, all washed down with as much water as can be lapped up from the toilet bowl. The deluxe package for $15 includes a walk around the block on a short leash and a two-minute supervised attack on the mailman.”
* Finally, a number of readers offered advice on what to call the monthly equivalent of an anniversary (which by definition occurs only annually). Some suggested “lunaversary,” which we think sounds more like the date for entering an insane asylum. Others proposed “mensiversary,” from the Latin word for month, mensis. We’ll stick with “monthiversary” for now.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “New Scientific Evidence Proves Man Evolved From the Common Flea!” (Weekly World News)
* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.
Contributor: Wireless Flash News Service
