Punch Lines

Let’s Have a Party: L.A. is pushing to host the Democratic National Convention in 2000. “L.A.’s the perfect place to discuss traditional Democratic concerns. Environmental issues like pollution? We got it. Social issues like poverty? We got it. Workers’ rights issues like sexual harassment? We got Monica.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Dr. Bucks: Meetings have begun on repairing the medical industry’s prospective Year 2000 Glitch. “The industry could suffer serious consequences. Computer problems could lead to a loss of critical patient information, such as Visa / MasterCard expiration dates, checking account numbers, etc.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

On the Ball: NBA coach choker Latrell Sprewell was sentenced to home detention after pleading no contest to a reckless driving charge. “Sprewell insists it wasn’t his fault. His car taunted him and provoked the accident.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Vogue Playbunny: Model Cindy Crawford will be featured in a nude photo spread in the October issue of Playboy. “Even the people who write the articles won’t be buying it for the articles.” (Premiere Radio)

Park Lark: Michael Jackson has announced plans to spend $142 million to build an amusement park outside Tokyo. “The park will be modeled after Disneyland and Jackson’s life, featuring places such as ‘Rhinoplastyland,’ ‘Settlementland’ and ‘Miraculous-Conceptionland.’ ” (Sostrin)

Tough Crowd: Congressional Republicans are demanding that Janet Reno name yet another special prosecutor. “And all because Vice President Al Gore returned a video rental without rewinding it.” (LaMonte Laments)

Stamp of Approval: An Alfred Hitchcock stamp will soon be issued. “Postal officials hope it won’t contribute to its employees going psycho.” (David Christensen)

Gagging in Gilroy: Gilroy just held its annual garlic festival. “At the event, they demonstrate the wide and varied uses of the ‘stinking rose,’ such as eating garlic ice cream, drinking garlic beer, and using garlic for birth control because no one wants to get near you.” (Gary Easley)

Outrageous Findings: In a study of 500 college students, researchers concluded that those with high self-esteem become aggressive when insulted or criticized. “If that’s true, how do you explain those morons who go on the ‘Jerry Springer Show’?” (Andrew Wisot)

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