What’s Blowin’ in Wind for Southland

Imagine an end to jokes about L.A.’s smog. No more comics reciting parodies of classic poems, such as:

I shot an arrow

Into the air.

It stuck.

Orange skies are going to clear up, and you can thank engineer Justin Vorfun, whose invention will “clean up the city’s famously bad air,” according to Discover magazine.

Vorfun spent several million dollars to construct a multi-ton, building-size bellows in downtown L.A. that “can set in motion air currents that will sweep smog out to sea.”

Not only that but the bellows are “environmentally friendly,” the magazine says. “They are opened and closed by a 10-person team hauling huge chains connected to an assortment of gears and pulleys.”

One drawback:

The bellows seem to generate 50-mph winds at street level. But that’s a small price to pay for fresh air.

“Los Angeles,” Vorfun pointed out, “doesn’t have many pedestrians, anyway. And they rarely wear hats.”

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O YE OF LITTLE FAITH! I initially tipped my hat to Mr. Vorfun--in fact, I was sorry that I hadn’t had a chance to invest in his invention.

But reader Maureen McConaghy pointed out some disturbing details: The name--Justin Vorfun--if you sound out the syllables . . . the lack of other sightings of the giant bellows in the Civic Center . . . the fact that Discover has a tradition of printing put-ons this time of the year.

And, oh yes, L.A.’s smog cure is revealed in the magazine’s April edition.

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NO OFFENSE, BILL: It’s only a coincidence that in the midst of rumors about President Clinton’s sex life this column publishes a “Bimbo” photo and a “White House Secrets” item (see accompanying).

Terry Brown of Norwalk photographed the sign of the bakery, a Latin American conglomerate whose name does not carry the connotation of, shall we say, “party girls,” in other countries.

And Ron Widman sent along the “White House Secrets” program, which was printed by the Christian Women’s Club just before Monica Lewinsky became a White House-hold name. The title actually referred to a scholarly speech about former first ladies.

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WHO NEEDS LESSONS? Adele Krohmer of Chatsworth contributed an ad from a skating rink that seems to offer kids lessons for ditching school (see accompanying). Gee, when I was growing up, that talent came naturally.

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OFF WITH THEIR HAIR! Terry Kurlander of West L.A. notes that a local hair-transplant surgeon is named Dr. Randall Sword.

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THE DANGERS OF MEDITATION: In case you’re wondering, Santa Monica police are still looking for a 30ish woman who is said to visit yoga studios, where she signs up for classes and pretends to participate. But, while the other devotees are entering nirvana, she is entering their bags--ones left out in open areas. She takes their wallets and flees.

miscelLAny:

Folks in L.A. and Orange counties disagree on a lot of matters, but they came together the other night at the Arrowhead Pond arena in Anaheim. The Lakers were playing the Clippers, and the sight of a guest of Clippers owner Donald Sterling provoked a chorus of boos. The guest: Raiders owner Al Davis.

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.