Boogieing Into Role of Film Critic

Four thumbs!

Two stars up!

Put Rollergirl in ice skates, and “Boogie Nights” gets a perfect 6.0!

Today, I am a movie critic. Pardon me, a film critic. Perhaps I need some work on my gimmick, but it so happens I got an A in my cinema appreciation class at my Cal State. Or maybe it was a B. Anyway, I saw Fellini’s “8 1/2” and Godard’s “Breathless.” I learned terms like auteur, noir and cinema verite. And an autograph-seeker once mistook a friend of mine for Roger Ebert.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Big deal. Everybody’s a critic.” Yes, but some people pay to go to the movies, and some get paid for it. Years ago I tried to talk a friend who edited a glossy regional magazine into secretly appointing me The Unknown Critic. (Anonymity would help me keep my day job.) Anyway, that never happened. But I did score passes for screenings of “2 Days in the Valley” and “Boogie Nights” and I was, in fact, paid to write about those. Come to think of it, I should have expensed “L.A. Confidential” because I interviewed the director’s mom.

And now, swept up in the glamour and giddiness and pure gaga that is Oscar, I’m ready to reveal my picks. (You might want to clip this for the office pool.) Matter of fact, a sealed manila envelope bearing a Price Waterhouse logo and stamped “Top Secret” has come into my possession. I’m told the contents reveal the results of balloting for categories that are so confidential that the Academy itself will neither confirm nor deny their existence.

I’m about to open the envelope and my heart is pounding with suspense. Talk about breathless!

*

And the nominees for Best Performance by a Mogul are:

--Michael Ovitz, for pledging $25 million to the UCLA Medical Center.

--Rupert Murdoch, for buying the Los Angeles Dodgers.

--Michael Eisner, for exercising $565 million in stock options.

--Jeffrey Katzenberg, for blockbuster schmoozing as a Friend of Bill.

And the winner is. . . Michael Eisner!

Rebounding from the infamous and embarrassing Ovitz buyout, the brilliant Walt Disney Co. honcho not only keeps Wall Street smiling, but he had the chutzpah to take his monster payday only days after Disney donated less than 1/22nd that amount toward construction of the Disney Concert Hall. (Hollywood bigwigs, incidentally, were scandalized that philanthropy would earn Ovitz a nomination.)

The nominees for Best Supporting Performance by an Authentic Los Angeles Location are:

* The Formosa Cafe in “L.A. Confidential.”

* The La Brea Tar Pits in “Volcano.”

* The Metro Rail subway in “Volcano.”

* Sherman Way in “Boogie Nights.”

An the winner is . . . Sherman Way!

All of Los Angeles, of course, is a movie set. Sherman Way, seldom more than a bit player in films, delivered a bravura performance in director Paul Thomas Anderson’s epic tale of Dirk Diggler, ‘70s porn prodigy. Boogie down Sherman Way through Reseda and you may find the nightclub where Dirk went from dishwasher to disco king, the sidewalk where director Jack Horner and Rollergirl made a CSUN student pay for his sins, the parking lot where Dirk hits bottom; the doughnut shop where fate provides Buck the capital to open his hi-fi store.

The nominees for Best Performance by Two Sets of Lips are:

* Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, “Titanic.”

* Kim Basinger and Russell Crowe, “L.A. Confidential.”

* Kim Basinger and Guy Pearce, “L.A. Confidential.”

* Tom Selleck and Kevin Kline, “In & Out.”

Selleck and Kline, of course. You know how Hollywood is.

But I’m running out of space here, and I know you must be eager to learn my picks and predictions for those high-profile Oscars. So here goes:

Actor? My pick is Ian Holm, not even nominated for “The Sweet Hereafter.” My prediction? “Ulee’s Gold’s” Peter Fonda for sentimental reasons. Actress? Helen Hunt for “As Good As It Gets” is my pick because she’s just so All-American girl-next-doorish and I’m an American. Oscar goes to Helena Bonham Carter.

Best director? My choice is Beverly June Hanson’s boy Curtis. But then, all us critics loved “L.A. Confidential,” didn’t we?

But “Titanic,” I suspect, will indeed prove, as the ads say, unsinkable. James Cameron gets Best Director and his flick gets Best Picture.

Sorry, but this critic was rooting for the iceberg.

*

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to him at The Times’ Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St. , Chatsworth, CA 91311, or via e-mail at scott.harris@latimes.com Please include a phone number.