Punch Lines

Not the Real Thing: A Georgia high school student was suspended for wearing a Pepsi shirt during “Coke Day” at his school. “Meanwhile, in Beverly Hills, several female students were suspended for showing up with saline implants on ‘Dow Chemical Day.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

ABC on Ice: Ted Koppel spent a day on death row at a Texas prison. “Only two people visited him. A priest offered him absolution for his crimes, and Jerry Tarkanian offered him a full scholarship at Fresno State.” (Argus Hamilton)

Day of the Dead: Rolling Stone rocktogenarian Keith Richards has been asked to appear on stage when the Grateful Dead tour this year. “It was easier than digging up Jerry Garcia.” (Steve Voldseth)

Belated Oscar Joke: Bart the bear, a surprise guest at the Academy Awards show, weighs 1,500 pounds, eats 40 chickens a day and relieves himself every other day. “Former Oscar winner Marlon Brando didn’t appear at the show Monday, but he also . . .” (Olympia Daily World)

Survey Says: A new study says that the more money a couple earns, the more likely they are to sleep in the same bed. “Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain Mr. and Mrs. Michael Jackson?” (Voldseth)

Primary Dancer: “John Travolta will star in a new movie that takes place in a Mormon disco. It’s called ‘Latter-day Night Fever.’ ” (Gerald Wolfe)

Polls Apart: In a survey of New Yorkers, 53% said they’d never had a one-night stand. “Well, none that didn’t involve waiting for a taxi.” (Voldseth)

Going Ape: Sultan, a popular zoo gorilla, died of a heart attack shortly after three female apes were sent into his cage for mating purposes. “Republicans are now abandoning impeachment as a way to get rid of Clinton. Instead, they plan to lock him in the Oval Office with Flowers, Jones and Lewinsky.” (Sostrin)

TV God: Members of a Texas cult were disappointed that God didn’t appear on TV at midnight Wednesday as predicted. “Their spirits were lifted, however, when they scored some great buys on cubic zirconia jewelry and nonstick cookware.” (Jerry Perisho)

God II: “It’s good that God didn’t come on TV. Half the nation would’ve been sitting there with their remotes, thinking: ‘Watch God or watch Springer?’ ” (Daily Scoop)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.