Punch Lines

Psychic Lifts: Cher reportedly is using a psychic to reach Sonny Bono. “She is so happy with her psychic connection that next week she plans to get in touch with her old nose and cheekbones.” (Craig Kilborn)

Titan Talk: “Titanic” director James Cameron and Linda Hamilton have called it quits. “Now, he can say, ‘I’m the alimony king of the world!’ ” (Chris Pina)

Maximum Protection: Some 22 tons of condoms are being sent to France for the World Cup Soccer tournament. “This is the single biggest condom order since Charlie Sheen threw a bachelor party.” (Premiere Radio)

Move Over, Hulk Hogan: The “Jerry Springer Show” will start to edit fights that inevitably break out among guests. “Not to worry, the censored footage will become part of the World Wrestling Federation telecasts.” (Ira Lawson)

Hocus-Pocus: David Copperfield will build a $30-million magic-themed restaurant at Disney World. “To keep things moving along, Copperfield has already made one health inspector disappear.” (Premiere Radio)

Music to His Ears: Rumor has it that Mike Tyson is starting his own record company. “Yeah, it seems he’s got a good ear for music. Unfortunately, it’s Evander Holyfield’s.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Lettuce Explain: California’s El Nin~o rains caused so much damage to the state’s lettuce crops that supermarket prices are skyrocketing. “Top quality romaine without stems or seeds now has a street value of $300 a kilo.” (Bob Mills)

Flights of Fancy: NASA predicts space tourism as early as 2003. “Cost is estimated at $100,000 per person if he or she stays over at least one vernal equinox.” (LaLa Land Letter)

*

VIAGRA VOLLEYS:

* Viagra cures impotence but may cause baldness. Propecia cures baldness but may cause impotence. “Unfortunately, if you take both, all you get is straight hair.” (Gordon McRae)

* Pfizer pharmaceuticals announced it has been testing Viagra on women in England for the last two years. “Just last night, Queen Elizabeth announced her new name is Royal Spice.” (Hamilton)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.