Punch Lines

Welcome Matt: The White House announced that President Clinton will host a round of Middle East talks starting Monday. “But enough about that. Let’s talk about Chelsea’s new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce!” (The Daily Scoop)

Swim Matt: Chelsea Clinton’s boyfriend at Stanford University is a champion swimmer. “These days, Matt’s hounded by Secret Service agents at his swim meets. They’re easy to spot. They’re the ones wearing dark glasses and Speedos. (Buzz Report)

Matt’s Ma: Chelsea has met her new boyfriend’s parents. “That first meeting is always awkward. Especially when Mom has to be patted down by Secret Service agents.” (The Daily Scoop)

Matt’s Chat: “The president gave Chelsea’s new beau a word of fatherly advice: ‘If you act like me, I’ll kill you.’ ” (Paul Steinberg)

Book ‘Em: “This week is the 50th anniversary of Norman Mailer’s book ‘The Naked and the Dead,’ which I think is about Clinton and Gore, isn’t it?” (Jay Leno)

Nerve-Racking: This week is National Anxiety Week. “I don’t know why, but that makes me very nervous.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Bingo Binge: According to a new medical report, Americans 65 and older are suffering from more sports-related injuries. “Apparently the No. 1 problem is bingo-elbow.” (Premiere Radio)

Bomb Scare: According to transcripts from his diary, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski once considered having a sex change operation. “I can see why he didn’t. Let’s face it--getting a threatening letter signed, ‘The Eunuch-Bomber’ is just not that scary.” (Steve Voldseth)

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THE DATELESS DAVID LETTERMAN

Top Cool Things About Dating the President’s Daughter:

10. Can send the Secret Service guy into 7-Eleven to buy beer.

9. U.S. Ambassador to Stanford? You got it!

7. That chemistry teacher who gave you a ‘D’? Deported to Iraq.

4. Great free investment advice from Hillary.

3. If you bring her home late, you can claim Kenneth Starr was questioning you for hours.

2. At restaurants, Chelsea just says, “Put it on the national debt.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.