The Pitch--It’s a Hit!

Prairie, vast and unspoiled. “Montana 1876” appears. We hear a marching band playing the “Garryowen,” men whistling to it, growing louder, closer.

A column of cavalry approaches--the infamous 7th Cavalry--led by a spectacularly attractive man with flashing blue eyes, long golden tresses and an angular jaw forged by Black & Decker: Gen. George Custer. He begins singing:

“Oh, we are the men of the U.S. Army

Going in search of our enemy

After we find them they will be blue

I’d hate to be you if you are a Sioux.”

Everybody joins in. The soldiers. The horses. Buffalo. Prairie dogs. Tumbleweeds.

Custer holds up his hand. The column halts abruptly. The Little General slides off his mount. He crawls stealthily to the edge of a bluff and peers over: Below are the tepees of a peaceful Indian village. Perfectly worded smoke signals proclaim this to be a “Peaceful Indian Village. Please check your bows and arrows, lances, etc., etc., at door.”

Custer turns to his troopers. “Charge!” The 7th Cavalry descends upon the unsuspecting Indians. Sabers gleam in the morning sun. Alerted to the attack by the rumble of approaching hooves, a beautiful Native American maiden emerges from her tepee to stand defiantly in the path of the on-rushing cavalry. She has the face of an angel and the buckskin-clad body of Tyra Banks. Her name is Rosebud Sue.

Custer orders his men to halt. Rosebud Sue bats her eyelashes. Custer floats off his horse, smitten, and follows Sue inside her tepee. Accompanied by a chorus of inanimate objects that spring magically to life (including a hatchet that resembles Ted Turner, who performs the “Tomahawk Chop” throughout), Sue bursts into song, to the tune of “Shall We Dance”:

“Have some quiche, drink some tea.

Your can see that we are not your enemy.

So while the night is young, put away that gun.

Drink some tea, drink some tea, drink some teeeea!”

Custer and Sue are having a swell time when a chill wind suddenly whips through the tepee. In storms corrupt reservation agent Guy Bad, who goes about 8 feet and 420 pounds with nefarious eyes and grotesque, Fabio-like pecs.

Turns out that Rosebud Sue’s physically intimidated father has promised Sue’s hand in marriage to the evil Mr. Bad. Needless to say, this does not sit well with Custer; the colossal reservation agent mops the floor with the Little General, snatches Sue and splits.

The inanimate objects try to awaken the unconscious Custer so he can go and rescue Sue. Ted Turner Tomahawk does the Chop on Custer’s head. But Custer will not stir. In desperation, two beaded moccasins implore him with a poignant duet (to the tune of “A Whole New World”):

“He stole your squeeze

He didn’t say please

And now he’s getting away

While you lie there and wheeze. . . .”

Custer comes to. He realizes what’s happened, gets to his feet and sings (to the tune of a familiar Spice Girls hit).

“If he wants to steal my lover

He’ll answer to my men

Cuz Rosebud Sue’s my baby

And that will never end. . . .”

The Little General squares his formidable jaw. “I will fight for Sue with all the strength I can muster or my name isn’t George Armstrong Custer.”

Little does Custer know that waiting in ambush along the Little Big Horn River are Guy Bad and about 6,000 claim jumpers, bushwhackers, horse thieves and card cheats, all dressed as Indians.