The Pitch--It’s a Hit!
Words crawl on screen, as in the beginning of “Star Wars,” only over water:
“Long ago, in an ocean far away, a famous British luxury liner sank. More than 1,000 passengers died, luminaries and peasants alike. You know the ship: the Lusitania. It was torpedoed without warning by a German U-boat off the coast of Ireland, helping prompt America’s entry into World War I.
“This is its story, a story appealing not only to women and 11-year-old girls but to men too, because it combines really cool submarine stuff from movies like ‘The Hunt for Red October,’ plus all the mushy crap that made ‘Titanic’ nothing more than a bloated chick flick with decent special effects. . . .”
Deep below the North Atlantic, a small robot submarine wends its way along the contorted hull of a once great ship, the Lusitania.
On the ocean’s surface, aboard the salvage vessel USS Cameron, a hotshot team of oceanographers finesses the mini-sub via remote control through the hulk’s rusting remains, searching for a priceless chili recipe that reportedly went down with the ship. With the team is Wolf Schweiger, 107, gnarled but still spectacularly attractive for his age. Schweiger was captain of the U-20, the German submarine that sunk the Lusitania.
“Boy, does dis bring back memories or what,” he says wistfully, watching the monitor. “Everybody think vee sink zee Lusitania because she was carrying guns to England. But zat ist not zee true story.” As the oceanographers listen with rapt fascination to Capt. Schweiger, we flash back to . . .
. . . 1915. The Lusitania plows gracefully through the waves. Myron Limpke, an American hair stylist with an uncanny ear for language and gestures that won’t be coined for at least another 60 years, balances precariously atop the bowsprit, the wind and spray in his stylish locks. A huge wave nearly knocks him overboard. Fortunately for Myron, a large-boned but still spectacularly attractive German lass--Eva--sees him fall and grabs him in the nick of time. Myron embraces Eva, grateful to be alive. “That was, like, so awesome,” he says.
“Down scope!” On board the U-20, a young Wolf Schweiger pulls himself away from the periscope, seething. “Ist der a problem, Captain?” asks Schweiger’s executive officer, Hans Goerring. “You bet der’s a problem,” says Schweiger.
Eva used to be Schweiger’s girl. But that was before Myron stole her away with his “sensitive guy” routine.
As Schweiger spins his anguished tale, the crew is reduced to tears. Their manly skipper, dumped for a dweeb! Thoughts of revenge cloud their military minds. “Flood tubes eins and zwei,” Hans barks. “Rig for silent running!”
Though sonar has yet to be invented, no one questions this command, including the distraught Schweiger, who’s too busy breaking into the U-20’s medicinal supply of schnapps.
On board the Lusitania, Myron gives Eva a perm. Nude. She luxuriates in the feel of his long, delicate fingers massaging hair relaxer into her scalp. “My old boyfriend would never do this,” says Eva. “He’s not in touch with his feminine side.” Myron smiles coyly. “Would you like little ringlets or big bouncy curls?”
Lurking beneath the waves, the U-20 maneuvers into firing position. Hans glances over at his captain: Schweiger’s passed out in a drunken stupor.
Down in the Lusitania’s cargo hold, Myron paints Eva’s toenails. He confides to her that he simply cannot fathom why there are so many fistfights in pro hockey. Eva’s heart soars. It’s as if she has finally found her true soul mate in this crazy, topsy-turvy world. Cut to . . .
. . . the U-20. Hans turns to his helmsman. “Bring us to firing depth!” Hans reaches down and searches for a special key Schweiger keeps around his neck. When inserted in the firing lock, the key will allow Hans to launch torpedoes. Schweiger comes to and orders the attack called off: Sure, the two-timing Eva deserves to get it, but there are simply too many innocent people on the Lusitania! Hans ignores him. It seems that Schweiger isn’t the only jealous sailor who once enjoyed his own close personal relationship with Eva!
Hans inserts the key. Schweiger lunges and pushes him away before he can turn it. Hans whips out a pistol. Schweiger knocks it away. The two Germans go at each other like Frazier and Ali. Schweiger finally gains the upper hand, pummeling his executive officer. With one final punch, Hans teeters and inadvertently falls on firing key, launching the torpedoes!
On the Lusitania, Myron guides Eva up onto the bow. “Cool,” he says. “Now, like, open your eyes.” Eva opens her eyes. “I’m flying,” she exclaims, her arms outstretched like the wings of a dove or, in this case, a gull. That’s when Myron notices two bubbling wakes churning straight at the ship.
“Check it out,” says Myron, pointing. “Dolphins.” Eva’s eyes go wide. Dolphins, hell! Those are inbound torpedoes! She does a perfect triple gainer with a half twist and dives into the Atlantic a half-second before the Lusitania explodes!
Cut to modern day. The oceanographers sit in stunned silence. “Well, boys,” Schweiger says, “das is the end of the story.” The oceanographers are incredulous. Whadda you mean the end? What happened to Eva?
Schweiger takes out his wallet. Inside is a picture of a spectacularly attractive old lady. “Is that her?” the oceanographers demand to know. “I don’t know what happened to that tramp,” Schweiger responds. “This ist a photograph of mein sister.” The old man smiles a knowing smile, reaches behind the photo and removes an ancient scrap of paper, yellowed withage.
The long-lost chili recipe.