Off-Kilter

Sorry, but We Don’t Care About Voter Apathy: As predicted, last week’s governor candidates’ debate was so exciting that we skipped the finale of “Seinfeld” the next night to re-watch the forum on tape. In case you missed it, the four candidates were flown by private jet to Latham, Mass., where they were thrown into jail on charges of boring Californians to death. (Al Checchi’s toupee was given a separate cell and denied bail.)

In their place, Off-Kilter has decided to launch its own campaign for governor. We are still working on our platform, but here are a few ideas. If elected, we promise to:

* Imprison record company executives who don’t stop using those silver reflective seals on CDs that never come off all the way. Ditto for bookstore owners who use price tags that don’t readily peel away.

* Order supermarkets to install special cash register systems that electrocute customers who bring more than 10 items to express lanes. Similar devices would deliver high-voltage shocks to people at post offices and ATM machines who take longer than 30 seconds to complete a transaction.

* Force Caltrans to use freeway sweepers only during the middle of the night.

* Require VH1 and MTV to play music videos 24 hours a day or else stop calling themselves music channels.

* Change the title of governor to “California prime minister for life,” with a salary of $1 million.

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Optimistic Timepieces Department: Ever notice that most wristwatch ads have the clocks set at 10:10? According to Consumer Reports, it’s done for two reasons: to be sure the manufacturer’s logo is visible and to make the watch “smile.” In pre-1960s ads, watches were usually set to 8:20, but marketing wizards decided that position looked like a frown. Even digital watches are now frozen at 10:10, for consistency’s sake.

Consumer Reports also flagged a Bausch & Lomb eyedrops advertisement for unintentional irony. After announcing that the new drops are specially formulated to soothe eyes that are tired and strained from staring at a computer, the ad invites readers to find out more by visiting--what else?--Bausch & Lomb’s Internet Web site.

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Lunatic Fringe Department: A New York astrologer claims that Frank Sinatra purposely postponed his death until after the last episode of “Seinfeld” so his fans wouldn’t be distracted by the news. The astrologer says Sinatra’s soul wanted to avoid a repeat of the torment suffered in 1980 when ABC and NBC interrupted “Monday Night Football” and “Little House on the Prairie,” respectively, to report the death of John Lennon.

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Letter Bin: Our item on Hammacher Schlemmer’s dictionary-sized remote control unit drew notes from two readers who questioned our assumption that the device was designed for nearsighted TV viewers. Robert Enriquez said the remote’s size was probably meant to keep it from falling between sofa cushions. And Kay Shapero chimed in: “Given the number of times the remote has gotten lost around here, I’d say the Godzilla-sized item might be worth the $39.95.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: Our Weekly World News has apparently been hijacked again, so here’s one from the vault: “Pets Really Do Go to Heaven . . . and Bible Expert Has Proof!”

* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributor: Wireless Flash News Service