Off-Kilter

Shake ‘n’ Bake: Remember those Samsonite luggage ads in which the gorilla used to beat up on a perfectly innocent suitcase? Well, we recently met his human counterpart. Alfredo Alba drops boxes for a living. And shakes, squashes, bakes and freezes them.

Alba works for Performance Testing Laboratories, a company in Orange that tortures packages to make sure their contents--computers, furniture and other merchandise--won’t be smashed during shipping.

Off-Kilter visited the lab, where Alba had us stand on a “transportation simulator,” a machine that is supposed to duplicate the bouncy ride of a UPS truck but, instead, made us feel as if we were strapped to Godzilla’s tail. That’s because Alba cranked up the vibration rate to our “resonant frequency” threshold. Every object has a resonant frequency point, which is sort of like when you’re driving an old car and it hits that speed where everything rattles and shakes, but then settles down again above or below the resonant frequency speed. In our case, the shaking stopped when we bent our knees, which absorbed the shocks. With boxes, foam padding is the equivalent of bending the knees, and the machine helps figure out how much padding is needed to keep a product from vibrating to smithereens.

A female visitor said the device might also be useful for testing sport bras.

As for the lab’s other contraptions, we declined a chance to crawl inside the crushing machine, which simulates warehouse stacking by subjecting boxes to 15,000 pounds of pressure (roughly equal to three Roseannes). Likewise, we turned down an overnight stay in the climate chamber, a stainless steel room that creates temperatures ranging from 94 degrees below zero to sauna-in-hell 160.

Quote of the Day: According to Chicago Sun-Times columnist Zay N. Smith, the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund--which recently allowed the marketing of Princess Diana butter in a tub--is suing the Franklin Mint for selling assorted Diana memorabilia. When asked why, a fund trustee explained: “They’re stealing her dignity.”

Random Facts Department: Here’s our latest compilation of bizarre kibble and bits:

* A Russian Orthodox priest recently became the first religious leader to parachute onto the North Pole, according to the Internet news service https://www.tabloid.net.

* Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Hotel will pay tribute to Frank Sinatra this week by displaying a collection of unwashed handkerchiefs that Ol’ Blue Eyes once used to wipe his sweaty brow onstage.

* Aging rockster Ted Nugent is now selling his own line of beef jerky, which comes in a package that shows him riding a buffalo while saying, “I test drive all meat.”

* A San Diego podiatrist claims that “toenail dust,” which can be inhaled during toenail trimming, might trigger allergies.

* The average American spends a total of five days a year washing dishes, according to a survey by Dixie Cups, which declared May 18 National Don’t Do Dishes or Breathe Toenail Dust Day. (OK, we added the part about toe-dust day, but only because we care deeply about the health of our readers.)

Best Supermarket Tabloid Tall Tale: “Striking Pilots Parachute Out of Commuter Plane With 18 Passengers Still on Board!” (Weekly World News)

The union called for a 6 p.m. strike, so the pilots had to bail in midflight. A 62-year-old passenger landed the plane.

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Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributor: Wireless Flash News Service