Punch Lines

No Worries: When the late comedian Georgie Jessel was 75, he decided to marry a very young woman. During a medical exam before the wedding, his doctor said, “George, just remember. Too much love making can cause a heart attack.” “Well,” Jessel replied, “what can I do? If she dies, she dies.” (Len Miller)

Help!: Michael Lance Carvin, charged with sending death threats to shock-jock Howard Stern, was last heard from in the ‘70s when he pulled a toy gun on Ronald Reagan and sent threatening letters to Gerald Ford. “Reagan was not hurt in the incident. Ford, on the other hand, stabbed himself while opening the letter.” (Albert Perrotta)

Woof: A man at the movie “City of Angels” heard odd sounds behind him. He turned around and was shocked to see a German shepherd sitting on a seat beside his master. “I can’t believe you brought your dog here,” the man said. The owner answered, “Neither can I. He hated the book.” (Buzz Report)

Mop: “Did you hear about the scientist who mixed Viagra with Rogaine and ended up with Don King’s hair?” (Paul Ecker)

Mug Shot: In Mexico, crime is so bad that insurance companies now offer policies to cover mugging. “An insurance company protecting you from muggers is like a killer protecting you from a murderer.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Up, Up and Away: Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin says that the future of space exploration depends on opening it up to paying tourists. “Finally--an alternative for families who can’t afford Disneyland.” (Steve Voldseth)

Nay Nay: A woman walked up behind her husband at breakfast and slapped him hard on the back of his head.

“What was that all about?” shouted the husband.

“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket,” she said furiously. “And it has the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it.”

“ ‘Mary Lou’?” he asked, looking up in thought. “Calm down, honey,” the man said soothingly. “Remember last week when I went to the racetrack? That was the name of the horse I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife sneaked up behind him again at breakfast and gave him an even harder whack.

“What was that for?” the husband asked.

“Your horse called last night.” (Argus Hamilton)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.