LAUGH LINES

Protection Plan: The government is studying whether cars should have higher standards for side-impact collisions. “One proposal is the Clinton standard, which would require cars to be completely unscathed after taking constant hits from the right while occasionally getting slammed on the left side.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Modern Medicine: A new survey in the Journal of American Medical Assn. has revealed that a surprising four out of 10 Americans used alternative medicine last year. “However, three out of those four people consider going to a doctor who keeps appointments and has magazines less than 6 months old in his office to be a form of alternative medicine.” (Sostrin)

Killer Fashion: Patrizia Reggiani Martinelli, the ex-wife of Italian fashion heir Maurizio Gucci, was convicted of ordering her husband’s murder and was sentenced to 29 years in prison. “Most agree this is a tremendous price to pay for a Gucci knockoff.” (Conan O’Brien)

More Fashion News: Supermodel Kate Moss checked herself into a clinic over the weekend, citing “exhaustion.” “I understand when the other supermodels heard she was ill, they were so upset they went to the bathroom and threw up before lunch.” (Steve Voldseth)

Cyber-Savings: Forty-three percent of computer owners in the U.S. are expected to shop online this Christmas. America Online users should find the practice most economical. “How can you spend money when all you get is a busy signal?” (Buzz Report)

Face the Facts: A British tabloid has settled with Michael Jackson after claiming plastic surgery left the singer “hideously disfigured.” “Michael has forgiven them. Or, as he put it, ‘I’ve turned my only cheek.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Land of Oz: Ozzy Osbourne and Black Sabbath are getting back together for a six-week tour. “But I think Ozzy’s kind of getting up there in years. Remember how he always used to bite the bead off a live bat? Now they have to cut the bat into small pieces.” (Jay Leno)

Pepa Spice: Pepa, of the singing group Salt-N-Pepa, is 29 this week. Everybody showed up at her party. “Her brother Nutmeg was there, her sister Paprika, her mother Oregano, Uncle Basil.” (Voldseth)

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The Essential David Letterman:

Words You Don’t Want to See in Your Restaurant Review

6. “Syringe”

5. “Bleeding”

4. “DNA”

3. “Food-like”

2. “Crapeteria”

1. “British”

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.