Market Glutted for Bejeweled Bras

Is a Million-Dollar Jockstrap Next?: Just in time for Christmas, Victoria’s Secret has unveiled the world’s first $5-million bra. Decorated with diamonds and rubies, it comes in a velvet case and is delivered to your door by armored truck.

The custom-fit Dream Angel Bra is the third in a series of jewel-studded undergarments created by the company. But not a single one has sold. The 1996 $1-million Miracle Bra is now displayed behind glass at Victoria Secret’s headquarters, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer. And last year’s strapless $3-million model has been dismantled and the diamonds resold.

One reason for the poor sales might be the laundering instructions. After wearing one of the glittery brassieres, you can’t just toss it in the washer. Victoria’s Secret recommends professional cleaning--by a jeweler.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment Bureau: In a move that we are pretty sure violates the tenets of every major religion in the world, Rhino Records has announced plans to release a boxed set of disco music and a previously unavailable collection of tunes by Yanni.

The CDs are due in stores next spring, shortly before the apocalypse.

Animal Heimlich Maneuver Department: As part of a “pet first aid” class at the University of Buffalo, a veterinarian recently demonstrated how to take a dog’s pulse, clear its throat of obstructions and give canine CPR.

Other lectures at the five-week “mini-vet school” include “I Can’t Keep Anything Down” (which focuses on gastrointestinal problems), “More Than Bad Breath” (which discusses animal dentistry) and “I Itch, Therefore I Am” (which covers skin and ear disorders).

Weird Altruism Bureau: To help victims of Hurricane Mitch, the General Mills Foundation has donated 1 million pounds of flour and 24,000 boxes of Trix.

Stupid Contests Patrol: To introduce its latest video game system, Sega is sponsoring a contest in Hollywood on Monday in which people must swim around in 2,000 gallons of mashed potatoes looking for clues.

Fortunately, the potatoes won’t be sent to victims of Hurricane Mitch.

Lame Excuses Department: A list of stupid things minors say when they’re caught trying to buy booze without proper ID has been released by the Century Council, an anti-underage-drinking group founded by several American distillers.

The top excuses: “I’m adopted, and they put the wrong date on my license,” “I’m allergic to plastic; can’t carry it on me,” “It was taken when my plane was hijacked” and the all-purpose classic “My dog ate it.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Judge Praises Rapist--for Using a Condom!” (Weekly World News)

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Fern Sternberg, Martin Miller, Wireless Flash News Service, Chicago Sun-Times. Off-Kilter is published Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.